By Shya Gibbons
We are moments away from a perfectly lovely tradition where, just like most other days as an American, we shove our head in the sand and pretend this is fine. The world is on fire, but this is just fine.
Thanksgiving! A holiday with a controversial heritage, but a damn fine day for delicious foods. With a cornucopia of options when it comes to food — see what I did there? — I wanted to offer some out-of-the-box ideas to appease almost every guest that you will serve. Okay, maybe not Great Aunt Prudence, but she hates everything in life except butterscotch sucking candies and knitting booties for her catren (cat children).
Offer the usual foods: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce that makes a satisfying sound as it slides out of the can, green vegetables, copious amounts of liquor, and lots of carbs. Go overboard on carbs, actually. After all, you know the fun saying, ‘Is it REALLY Thanksgiving if someone at the table doesn’t sigh heavily, pat their stomach, and unbutton their pants from eating too much?’
For dessert there are the pumpkin pies, apple pies, cheesecakes, different cookies, and some kind of trifle (whatever that even is?), and no, I don’t mean your trifling aunt that everyone knows is cheating on poor Uncle Jerry but no one has the heart to tell him. He just power-housed his seventh roll and has his pant’s button undone. Leave him alone.
Those items, albeit delicious and wonderful, aren’t for everyone. There are allergies. There are diets. There are fads to follow. I forget what everyone hates this moment, but I will assume it is anything that people heard about because a Kardashian hated it.
The thing is, you don’t want to be a shitty host and shove some random concoction at a guest without some kind of fanfare. Jazz it up. Use a synonym word site and find out a cooler way to say, ‘Here, the only thing I found that fits the requirement of your trending diet is literally air.’ Maybe you could say, ‘Zelda, you look wonderful! Your regiment of only breathing in your caloric intake is working marvelously. I left a seat next to the open window just for you so you can take in copious amounts of calories. Perhaps go back for seconds?’ Laugh heartily. Be proud of your jokes.
If a guest turns down every dish with a derisive, ‘I don’t eat anything that had a face’ or ‘Do you even know what they do to asparagus to get it to be that color?’ offer them rotund glacier pieces. Is it ice? No. Like you would serve them a bowl of ice. That’s insulting. Act insulted as you hand them a bowl of rotund glacier pieces (ice).
I could go on for days, but I have things to make myself. Actually, the only thing I’m making myself is scarce to get out of cleaning up the dishes when all is said and done.
Enjoy your holiday and may all the forces be with you if you try to get a 50-inch television for 47 cents on Black Friday.