I know that with your upcoming trial dates and indecent exposure charges, you will likely be kept fairly busy.

To The Man Masturbating On The Side Of The Road: I Have Questions

By Lindsay Brown

1) Where do you find your confidence? There has undoubtedly been a moment or two when the mood has struck me, and I’d like to get down with my bad self. Alas, whether it be the hundreds of people driving by or the bus driver looking at me curiously while I decide to get freaky or not to get freaky, I always chicken out.

2) What’s the rush? Was it because you were in public or judging by your business suit, were you late for a meeting?

3) Was this a one-off performance, or do you do this type of thing regularly?

4) Did the Sexxxy Kitten Store with the window display of the black lace lingerie spur on your need for self-satisfaction? I’m only wondering because if so, maybe I should shop there more often.

5) Speaking of clothes, where did you get that suit anyway? It must have been tailored to fit you perfectly.

6) Where did you learn your time management skills? There you are eating a chicken leg with one hand and pleasuring yourself with the other. If only I could multi-task like you, I feel that my productivity levels would increase dramatically.

7) How do you avoid chaffing in this heat?

8) What was that beautiful tune you were humming while I walked by? Also, thank you for slightly turning to the side to avoid making eye contact with me. I think that worked out well for both parties.

9) Tell me, how did you manage to stay so composed when the police tackled you to the ground? I was impressed.

10) When you yelled, “this is a free country, I can slap my stick anywhere I’d like,” were you making a Canada/hockey pun or just stating the facts?

I know that with your upcoming trial dates and indecent exposure charges, you will likely be kept fairly busy, but if you could respond to these questions at your earliest convenience, I would really appreciate it.



About the Author

Lindsay Brown is a mother of two, wife of one and longtime lover of the funny stuff in life. Her most recent work can be found on Slackjaw, The Maine Review and Cagibi Magazine. Check out Lindsay’s writing profile at https://medium.com/@authorlindsaybrown