Just when you thought you’d seen it all, along comes a product that makes you wonder why you haven’t tried patenting those inventions you come up with while watching late-night infomercials after one too many swigs of Grandpa’s old cough medicine.
Introducing Shittens, “the revolutionary new way to wipe up and clean up feces while protecting your hands.” Because old-fashioned toilet paper is really just a disaster waiting to happen.
According to its Amazon listing, “Shittens are disposable, mitten-shaped moist wipes. While old-fashioned, square wet wipes put your hands at risk for all kinds of accidental fecal contamination, the genius mitten shape of a Shitten provides not only safety from poop, but on a larger scale, emotional peace of mind.”
Well, THANK GOD. I can’t tell you how much emotional turmoil wiping my ass the old-fashioned way has brought upon me.
And if the product itself isn’t unbelievably funny enough, the reviews will have you rolling … and not in toilet paper, mind you, because that shit’s so last century. Some of our favorites:
These are made to wipe your butt, sometimes you slip and graze a nut. If you find poop on your ball, there’s lots of room so wipe it all. It gets your junk so squeaky clean, it will have a healthy sheen. People will be so impressed, they’ll say your bean bag is the best. There is no product to rise above it, just put one on and you can shove it.
For years, I have wandered the Earth in search of a product that would ensure my bum was not just clean, but showcase ready in the event of an unexpected colonoscopy, highway mooning, Saturday afternoon naked floor washing, or a sudden public pantsing. But the solution was elusive, and I was forced to endure the horror of wiping my precious booty with a thin square of wet cotton through which I could see my entire hand – for the love of God my HAND, while my opposable thumb peeked out from beneath to see what was going on, resulting in an unfortunate case of “doody thumb”. From the jungles of Thailand to the ice roads of Siberia, I searched tirelessly, a piece of cotton stuffed between my butt cheeks to keep my twinklestar from being revealed in all its dirty shame. Now, thanks to my new package of Shittens the Magic Poop-erasing Mittens, I can be sure that my fear of wayward dingleberries and poop-swipe tan lines will never become a reality.
Truly, every day of my life has been an unending struggle with the anguish brought on me by horrendous shitwrist! But now I have the strength to face the day thanks to these amazing poop gloves.
I’ve been compared to a living as-seen-on-tv commercial. Life is simply too hard for me. Shittens allow me avoid messy situations in the bathroom. Far too often I find myself with poop running down my legs, the wall, and my dog. Thanks to Shittens, all I do is throw more money away on items that help me stand and breath at the same time.
And lest you worry about their safety, the product description ensures they’re “FDA approved for babies, pets, and adults.” No word on kids between the ages of baby and adult or barnyard animals, but I’m sure it’s probably fine.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to talk to somebody about this earwax-infused lip balm idea I’ve been DYING to get on the market. Gotta strike while the iron is hot!