When I became pregnant with my 2nd, I started thinking about all the horrors of the 1st, and I panicked. Will I be as God awfully sick as I was with the first? (Yes.) Will it feel as though my uterus might fall out of my vagina at any moment? (Most definitely.) Will I panic on the operating table and throw up on the anesthetist? (You betcha, sister.)
I frantically Googled every fear I harbored, hoping to God I could find some realistic information about what to expect during round 2, but I couldn’t. Everybody else in the world seems to find pregnancy glorious, especially the second time around. Everybody else in the world also needs a firm backhand to their lying liar mouths.
If like me you find yourself wondering what it’ll really be like the second time around, I’m your gal. Allow me to enlighten.
Prepare for ultimate exhaustion, the likes of which you’ve only faintly entertained in your worst nightmares.
Pregnancy 1 is a breeze as far as getting rest is concerned. (You didn’t think it was hard, did you?) You can come home from work and take a nap. You can let your partner drive everywhere and take a nap. You can close your eyes mid-leg-shave in the bath and take a nap.
Even after the baby arrives, you can nap when he naps. It’s cake, I tell you.
When you’re pregnant with number 2, that shit ain’t gonna happen. Ever.
You cannot come home from work and take a nap. You’ve got another child demanding and whining and fussing and needing things like his diaper changed and his dinner made.
You cannot let your partner drive and take a nap. You’ve got to referee flying squeaky toys and apocalypse-grade meltdowns so your partner actually can drive.
You cannot fall asleep mid-leg-shave in the bath. If you do, Child 1 is likely to steal the razor right out of your hand and shave the cat — or worse, his own carotid — with it.
You’ll be that much more prepared to take care of 2 screaming kids on no sleep.
Mommy, meet Toilet — your new best friend.
Morning sickness was pretty insufferable the first time around; I’ll give you that. But I’m betting the first time around, you weren’t playing in other people’s excrement and pureed poultry.
Morning sickness the second time around is So.Much.Worse.
Child 1 is going to need you to wipe his butt and clean up his vomit and serve him his food-processed turkey and broccoli and cheese concoction, and unlike during round 1, this time you can’t just walk away.
You’re stuck there as the putrid aromas invade your nostrils and turn your stomach.
After this experience, you could get trapped in the holding tank of a carnival outhouse without so much as flinching.
If you weren’t quite sure whether your amniotic fluid was leaking or you’d just pissed your pants during pregnancy 1, there will be no doubt during pregnancy 2.
TV shows and movies and even birthing classes make first-time moms paranoid about their water breaking. In reality, this rarely happens as conveniently as everyone would have you believe. What they should really be talking about is all the pregnancy-induced pants-pissing women can expect.
Pregnancy 1 pants-pissing presented as a slow trickle. Pregnancy 2 is more like a gushing waterfall.
You’ll be hesitant to venture farther than 2 square miles from your own home and will cart around a diaper bag for yourself in addition to Child 1.
You’ll be expert at knowing which fabrics and colors hide seat stains the best.
No, that’s not a bowling ball in your underpants. It’s just your swollen vagina.
Baby likely put some pressure on your lady parts during pregnancy 1. Ouch. But after suffering through 9 months of heavy load the first time around, your lady bits won’t be able to withstand the heft of Child 2.
You will be certain your baby maker is about to come crashing through your legs with each step you take, and the only way to relieve this compression will be one frozen condom in your underoos at bedtime.
You’ll know who your true friends are when they stick around after discovering your night-time relief chilling in the front of the freezer.
If you thought your stretch marks were bad the first time around, be prepared to look as though you’ve been trapped in a tiger’s den for 9 months the second time around.
Those little marks on your boobs and the sides of your tummy ain’t shit compared to what you’ll look like when you finally deflate the second time around.
Child 1 has done his sibling a solid and stretched your business out so much, he’s left room for an entire extra pound or two of growth for Child 2. This means not only will your belly get bigger, but so will your boobs, butt, and thighs.
Think about a balloon after it’s run out of air. Not nearly as small as it was before somebody blew it up, is it?
That’s your skin. And don’t even bother with the stretch mark oil. Somebody somewhere is sitting in a corporate boardroom, just laughing and laughing at our expense.
There will be no need to hire a clown for your kids’ birthday parties. Your slack skin will work just as well for making all manner of balloon animals.
You’ll never regret a second of it.
Sure, baking baby has its sucky moments, but in the end, you’d do it all again and then some to get your little ones here.
No cons to this one. All pro.