By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Washington, D.C.— It turns out your farting may be making more than just your butt burn. In fact, all that gas you think you’re “passing”? Apparently it’s not being passed very far. Scientists recently detected an accumulation of human anal emissions trapped in the earth’s atmosphere.
Earlier this week, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) released a report confirming its long-standing suspicion that human flatulence is the largest contributor to global warming, claiming that this build-up of human butt blasts is intensifying Earth’s greenhouse effect.
“I blame all these extreme American health fads,” stated climate scientist and environmentalist Abbott Leeks. “First, it was fast food; everyone wanted their greasy hangover Taco Bell, and it had dire intestinal consequences on consumers. Then it was the sriracha craze: hot sauce on everything. People were carrying tiny bottles of the stuff around on keychains, for God’s sake. This resulted in a mass number of individuals expelling literal hot gas into the atmosphere.
“Then those trends died down—after already doing plenty of damage—and Americans decided they wanted to be ‘healthy.’ But you know us: We can’t do anything half-assed. So people started gorging on kale, chugging celery juice, eating flax by the spoonful. Not to mention that psychotic Paltrow woman’s ‘raw food’ crusade. All that fiber has caused an actual shitstorm and—along with it—exorbitant amounts of toxic gas.”
Leeks suspects about 98% of the most damaging gas is coming specifically from U.S. asses. “American flatulence is definitely the lead contributor to global warming at this time,” he said. “Other countries simply eat better than us, and they have a longstanding history of doing so. Our digestive tracts just haven’t adapted to all that healthy food yet.”
Leeks told us that he began investigating “The Fart Effect” after he received a call regarding an influx of dead birds off the coast of North Carolina.
“There were all these birds, just dropping dead out of the sky for no apparent reason,” he said. “And they smelled like shit. Not bird shit either. I’m talking about that ‘Mommy-is-on-a-health-kick-and-decided-to-do-yoga-immediately-after-eating-her-kale-and-onion-salad’ kind of shit. Absolutely putrid. I truly believe that post-meal Child’s Pose is one of the greatest ongoing threats to our environment.”
Although EPA officials blew off Dees’s findings harder than they blow their own butt bugles, they did reluctantly agree to make mention of it in the EPA’s anal—erm, annual environmental report. Former President Trump still denies that global warming exists.
“I don’t like relying on anecdotal evidence like facts or science,” Trump stated in a livestreamed address from his tanning bed early Monday morning. “If this so-called ‘scientist’ wants to cry about a few farts, let him.”
Former President Trump also reiterated his belief that “[g]lobal warming is just another ploy invented by Democrats to steal all the government’s money.”
“Fake news,” he said with a wave of his tiny orange hand. “Global warming is a hoax. Like the moon landing. And this idea of ‘compassion’ that people are always talking about. Our government’s money should be going to my Space Team, which will prove once and for all that we’re the best. We’re going to put probes on planets that have never been probed before. We don’t need to ‘save the environment’; we need to get more people kissing my anus.”
“No, no, I didn’t say that,” he stated when we asked him to confirm that last quote. “WRONG. I said, ‘We need to get more people STUDYING URANUS.’”
Dees hopes that people will take the necessary measures to reduce American flatulence before things get worse. In the meantime, he encourages all of us to consider doing our part to decrease personal gas production.
“It’s terrifying how cavalier people are about all this,” he said. “So many are a huge contributor to the problem, with all that talking they do out of their asses. The time for action is now. Go buy some fucking Beano. This is a silent but deadly epidemic that people need to take seriously.”
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About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.