By Rhiannon Giles of rhiyaya.com
Satirists all over the nation are faced with skyrocketing unemployment rates as their articles have begun to write themselves.
Have you ever wondered what happened to those funny but dysfunctional girls you knew in high school?
According to satirical biographer Toni Quartz, many became satire writers. “Their lives were rich in puns and sarcasm, though not rich in cash. They were loved and revered by some. Life was not perfect, but it was hilarious.”
Then Donald Trump entered the presidential race.
According to writer Cayenne Sawyer, “It seemed like a satirist’s dream come true. What could possibly give us more material than a dead fox spun in a cotton candy machine and perched atop a human cheese doodle?”
Humor writers began cashing in on the over-the-top ridiculousness of the idea that a reality TV “star” could somehow be a viable candidate for one of the top jobs in the world.
“The money was flowing; we made dollars upon dollars,” said Sawyer. “For some of us it was almost enough to pay for a tank of gas towards our eventual move to Canada.”
The jokes didn’t just pour forth like the unsophisticated insults from dear Donnie’s mouth; they took on a life of their own.
“The rise and takeover of artificial intelligence has long been foretold, but some important details were omitted from the prophecy,” said editor Marie Driver. “I expected robot overlords, not the lord of comb-overs.”
Clinical satirologist, Dr. Drill, explained that these down-and-out writers have entered the five stages of satirical grief.
“First, they passed articles back and forth, sure they were satire. Then they began to scream, ‘What the actual fuck!?’ as they realized the truthiness of these stories that strayed far beyond all rational comprehension. Soon they began to beg, to plead, for it to be fake news.”
But it wasn’t fake. Life had become stranger than fiction.
“How will we go on?” asked Driver. “What purpose do we have in a world where the host of Celebrity Apprentice steals our thunder like the illegal immigrants steal our jobs. Can we build a wall around Donald Trump?”
“There is no parody that can outdo this caricature of a partially-shucked ear of corn. He is a presidential candidate and he has alluded to his penis size,” said Sawyer. “On national television.”
According to the National Fake News Terrorism Alert Bulletin, Trump has not gone full-out A Modest Proposal just yet, but babies do cry in his presence. The agency raised the alert level earlier this week when he kicked an infant out of a rally.
What is a satire writer to do when the job is doing itself?
“We sit in our destitute city of broken literary devices, surrounded by hyperbolic needles and illicit prepositions. At night we close our eyes and we dream of the halcyon days of George Bush,” said Sawyer. “Let that sink in.”
When asked to name the situation’s biggest impact, Sawyer said, “I’ve had to stay home with my kids. During summer break. No mother should be forced into that sort of drudgery.”
Dr. Drill affirmed those concerns and noted that if writers can’t routinely hone their sarcasm skills, they run the real risk that “their children might begin to take them seriously.”
Driver added that you can help. “For only the the cost of a cup of coffee, you can support an out-of-work satire writer by buying her a cup of coffee. The situation is dire. I’ve heard one former punster is now a legit journalist. She has one of those little pencils that fits behind your ear! She has credentials! Please don’t let that happen to me. #MakeSatireGreatAgain”
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