Mattel has yet to confirm a rumor that they are further expanding their new Barbie line with the addition of a mother-figure doll that will be known as “SanctiBarbie.”
Mattel Senior Vice President Evelyn Mazzocco was unavailable for comment, but our reporters were able to speak to a Mattel employee who works on the front lines of Barbie production.
“Kelly” (who requests to remain anonymous for fear of being fired or possibly run over by a hot pink convertible on her way home from work) was one of the many innovative minds behind Barbie’s latest modern makeover. She says that it was during that time—while she was creating a mold for one of the new curvalicious dolls—that she overheard a conversation between Mazzocco and Mattel CEO Christopher Sinclair alluding to the SanctiBarbie Project.
While nothing can be confirmed without an official statement from Mattel, here is what Kelly had to tell us about the new doll:
- SanctiBarbie’s accessories will include a pair of easily waddable panties, an essential oils brochure, and a La Leche League badge.
- She will NOT have a smartphone. SanctiBarbie spends time engaging with her children, not checking Facebook.
- Each doll will come with a stick already inserted up her ass. While the stick’s depth of penetration will be adjustable, it will not be able to be removed completely, as doing so would “compromise the integrity of the doll.” Instead, kids will be able to slide the anal stick up and down SanctiBarbie’s rectum in a motion similar to playing the trombone. Also like a trombone, this action will create a “womp womp” noise.
- SanctiBarbie will have a jointed nose and knuckles. This will allow for her nose to be positioned high in the air while she points fingers at other Barbies.
- The following will be available for separate purchase in case kids want their SanctiBarbies to be members of the digital age: a laptop, a troll mask, and a miniature Bible with judgmental passages highlighted.
- Also available for separate purchase: SanctiBarbie’s two children—an 18-month-old boy and a 3-month-old girl, both of which will have the ability to nurse from SanctiBarbie’s breasts. Yes, that’s right: SanctiBarbie’s boobs will produce ACTUAL breastmilk when you squeeze them. She will be the first of the Barbie line with nipples!
- SanctiBarbie’s children will also come with their own potties and big kid underwear since they’ll have to pee out that breastmilk, and they’re OBVIOUSLY already fully potty-trained.
- Plans for a SanctiKen are also rumored to be in the works, but Mattel doesn’t intend for the dolls to share a release date. Because, although SanctiBarbie is a firm believer in the nuclear family, she doesn’t need a man to define her.
As of press time, no details had been leaked regarding SanctiBarbie’s wardrobe besides the fact that “she will not, under any circumstances, sport athletic wear in public, unless she is working out at the Barbie Spa and Fitness Club.”
SanctiBarbie will be made entirely out of kale, although not even our inside source could explain how the fuck Mattel is going to pull that one off.
Kelly believes that SanctiBarbie will hit shelves sometime next fall, just in time to mommy-shame all the Barbies who choose to send their kids to public school.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. Her writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, In the Powder Room, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook and check out her personal blog, Between the Monkey Bars.