Is nothing sacred?

Last week Brad and Angie split up, and now news breaks that Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are married?!

I know, I know, my hypocrisy knows no bounds–but let’s not blame my horrific monogamy double standard. Let’s blame my lady bits. We can’t help whom we love, and I love Ryan Gosling.

Doesn’t every woman?

I mean, it’s not like I’m alone in this matter. It is common OBJECTIVE knowledge that Ryan Gosling and his hot Canadian smirk are the fantasy of women the world over. Our collective hearts are broken. Our collective vaginas are weeping (and not in the good way). We don’t want to hate Eva Mendes–we just do.

Sure, we never stood a chance–with our FUPA and our c-section scars–but that never stopped us from dreaming, dammit.

Frankly, Canada owes us a single Ryan Gosling at this point, what with the Caillou and the Justin Beiber and the “I’m so nice and I don’t carry automatic assault rifles and I pay for universal healthcare, eh?” Those polite bastards.

You know what? Fuck you, Canada.

We’re stuck here in America trying our best not to get an orange right-wing Fruit Loop elected president, and now you take this from us?

Our one guilty pleasure?

Sure, The Ultimate Man should be able to marry whomever he wants–particularly if she bore his children–but that won’t stop me from chain-watching The Notebook on repeat while I eat my feelings.

Because, Ryan, it wasn’t over.

IT STILL ISN’T OVER*, **, ***, ****.

Ryan, listen, I know married life is difficult. Parenthood is difficult. When the going gets tough, might I recommend tuning into We Are Marshall with a bottle of Malbec?

Or Crazy Stupid Love with some South Australian Shiraz?

Or perhaps The Notebook on repeat, paired with a delightful Rhine Valley Riesling?

Too far? I don’t know. I’m drunk. (On account of the Malbec, and the Shiraz, and the Riesling, and ALL THE FEELINGS.)

What I’m saying is, I love you.

And I watch too many movies.

And I drink too much wine.

And also, congratulations, I guess.

Mazel Tov!

*Eats an entire sleeve of Pringles

**Pulls out secret recordings of The Mickey Mouse Club

***Sobs into a carton of Ben and Jerrys

****Gets into a debate with self over why Gosling beats Timberlake as the best Mouseketeer of All Time