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11 Rules for My Massage Therapist

11 Rules for My Massage Therapist

I got a massage today. I have some new rules for the therapist.

1. Don’t ask me what I do for a living and then insult my profession by telling me how horrible your teachers were when you were a kid. Especially don’t tell me all about how you told your English teacher she would be sorry for making you do your reading assignments because you were “on the water polo team and didn’t have to do anything [you] didn’t want to do because [you] brought in so much revenue for the school that they couldn’t risk losing [you] from the team.” Public schools don’t earn money from student athletes (particularly from water polo players — WTF?). I think you’re confusing high school with college.

2. Don’t ignore my polite but increasingly agitated cues to stop talking to me. I’m here for a massage, not a lesson in how much more awesome you are than everyone else.

3. Don’t tell me your grandmother is so rich she randomly closes bank accounts and sends thousands of dollars to you and your siblings/cousins. Please don’t retell the story 3 times in an attempt to impress me when my reaction doesn’t display anywhere near as much envy as you think it should, either.

4. Don’t tell me how you told your old boss to take his ideas and shove them up his ass. I don’t care, nor do I appreciate having to visualize a man in a suit with a box of ideas shoved up his colon when I’m supposed to be relaxing.

5. Don’t tell me to indicate when the pressure is too much and then ignore me when I do. I can’t feel my arms anymore. Seriously. I think you severed my nerves.

6. Don’t massage my upper boob region for 15 min. Don’t even massage my upper boob region for .0000000000000000000000001 minutes. Don’t go anywhere near my upper boob region. Ever.

7. Don’t ask me how old I am and then follow it up with, “Well, I guess you don’t look that bad for your age.”

8. Don’t tell me it must suck that I have 3 boys and then ask if I plan on trying for a girl or if I’ve had my tubes tied. 

9. Don’t tell me you won an 80% scholarship to a prestigious university but didn’t go because your father refused to pay your “goddamned” remaining 20%. There are such things as student loans. A person who has been given an 80% scholarship to a prestigious university should know these things.

10. Don’t ask me how much money I earn per year and then follow that up with, “Well, then how about your husband? How much does your husband make?”

11. Don’t pretend to pop your knee out of joint on the way out of the room and then lay down on the table next to me with your ball sack in my face. And I thought the rest of the massage was awkward.

Yes, these things really happened. And yes, I kind of want my mommy.