I’m just going to come right out and say it: fashion retailer ASOS is selling see-through trousers. As in ‘you might as well Saran Wrap your legs and save yourself $80’ pants. The clothing line behind the latest transparent trend is UK’s Flounce London and why? Why won’t this trend just die?
It’s as if the designers were all sitting around the boardroom table, discussing the state of the world and the impact of fashion on it, and someone piped up and said, “What the world needs now is more transparency. In politics, government, health care, relationships…”
And everyone nodded their heads in agreement, and someone else said, “Wow! That’s deep, man. Let’s do this!” And they all started high-fiving each other. Except for the one lone voice of reason who said, “Maybe we should think about this first. I don’t know if women are really going to go for wearing sandwich bags.”
To which ‘deep man’ responded (because he was having a fashion epiphany obvs), “We’ll add pockets!”
And that is how the Flounce London Sheer Organza Combat Trousers In White were born. Or something like that. Because clearly SOMEONE thought they were a good idea.
The pants are part of Flounce London’s Party Pieces Collection and have the tagline “Some days call for a little extra.” (Along with a full leg and bikini wax.)
They are also described as follows:
- Smooth, crisp organza
- Wafer-thin and sheer as you like
- High-rise waist
- Tie waist
- Cargo pockets
- Fitted cuffs
Well, thank God for the high-rise tie waist. I was worried they might slip down and expose more than I wanted people to see. What a relief.
And pockets! Never mind that they are also transparent and basically useless. THEY HAVE POCKETS! Yay!
Can we also talk about the “crisp organza”? Because crisp is *exactly* what I want chaffing my naked inner thighs. Know what else I want? A seam flossing my butt crack (said no woman, EVER). But hey, anything in the name of fashion, amiright?
Unfortunately, the bodysuit pictured is not included and appears to be out of stock. But fear not, I have the perfect pairing for the barely-there trousers. The vanishing vulva bodysuit from Boohoo. You can read more about it here.
Look, there’s a reason women don’t go traipsing around in public in their underwear. BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fan of pants. They’re the first things to go when I walk through my front door. I was secretly in agreement with my kids when they were three and running down the halls screaming, “Down with pants!”
However, they serve a purpose. To cover our legs. To keep us warm. To save the rest of the world from having to bear witness to our dimpled cheeks and thighs.
Plus, the thought of wearing these “pants” in the sub-zero temperatures my city is currently experiencing? Where lungs can literally freeze in seconds and it’s recommended that you stop breathing when you’re outside, because hey? Who needs to breathe anyway, and OMG will this winter never end? Is less than appealing. Of course, maybe if I lived in Tahiti and wore bathing suits all day long while lounging on the beach, sipping margaritas, I’d be more inclined to like these. Probably not.
This isn’t the first time we’ve seen clear pants. Remember these lovely jeans from 2017? Except they’re not denim, they’re PLASTIC. So on top of having your ass-ets on display, you also get the pleasure of steaming in your own body heat and sweat. Hang on a sec. Maybe I do want a pair of these. #livinginpolarvortex
I just feel like these designers are missing the whole purpose of pants.
On a positive note, though, I have to give it to Flounce London for lending a whole new meaning to “Hey, honey, where are my pants?”