By Devorah Blachor
Are you a mom returning to work? Are you wondering how to make yourself marketable after you’ve spent the last eight years lost in a vortex of poopy diapers and supermarket humiliations and sleep deprivation? Do you find yourself wondering who would ever hire a person whose last job predated the existence of Snapchat and Pinterest? Perhaps you’re swimming in a sea of vulnerability because the most intelligent conversation you’ve had all day involved a sock puppet?
Never fear. If you’re a mother returning to the workforce, there are ways to get around the inconvenient truth: You haven’t been gainfully employed in years, and the most intellectually complex task you’ve performed in that time is figuring out which water bottles don’t contain BPA or phthalates. Your future employer needn’t know any of that, however. Consider this clever resume hastily assembled by Lisa Waver while her kids were watching Paw Patrol.
381 Shaky Lane
*Nine-year record of middling functionality under extreme sleep deprivation
*Known to staff as a dedicated and seasoned emotional dumping ground
Senior Consultant, 2006 to 2014, ABCDEFG COMPANY
*Designed and created interactive infographic to measure performance of daily tasks and instituted intricate reward system based on sticker chart infographic completion
*Maintained and organized daily calendar including scheduling, planning and Kafkaesque carpool travel arrangements
*Negotiated favorable terms for procuring agreement to get dressed and out of the house
*Demonstrated proficiency in conflict resolution among staff using empty threats within a high-pressure environment
*Acquired extensive collection of yoga and pilates books, manuals and DVDs and later sold them, unopened, on eBay for minimal financial loss
*Assessed edibility of food items left uncovered for more than six hours, particularly mac ‘n’ cheese
*Emotional labor coordinator
*Completed advanced class of breathing techniques designed to mitigate extreme, unbearable pain
*Assessed inadequacy of breathing techniques designed to mitigate extreme, unbearable pain
*Mastered multitasking skills such as food consumption while driving, cooking, cleaning and exercising
*Achieved basic first-aid proficiency after staff member swallowed a Tinkerbell magnet
*Skilled at restoring computer to factory settings following unsupervised interferences
*Excelled at establishing shortcuts for Purble Place
*Adept at locating correct web addresses for videos when given minimal identifying prompts such as, “The funny one”
*Assessed the hazards of BPA and phthalates without ever determining what they are
*Successfully buried eight years of non-employment black hole at the bottom of this resume
*Three-time recipient of mug confirming “World’s Best” status
*Two-time recipient of paperweight confirming “World’s Best” status
*One-time recipient of keychain confirming “World’s Best” status
*University of Leeks, B.S.
Feel better now, moms?
Lisa invites you to use any part of the above in your own resume as you enter this next exciting stage of your life, where you’ll no longer be responsible for raising your kids and maintaining your home. Instead, you’ll be responsible for a full-time job AND for raising your kids and maintaining your home. What could go wrong?
About the Author
Devorah Blachor is the author of The Feminist’s Guide to Raising a Little Princess. She’s written for The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Redbook and others. Eventually, she returned to work.