Research Concludes Mothers Use Full Names When Kids Are Jerks


In a paper released this morning, researchers at the University of Notre Dame concluded mothers’ natural child-rearing instincts necessitate they use their children’s full, entire names to correct asshole behavior.

“We did hundreds of case studies with mothers and children from different parts of the country, with varying backgrounds and socioeconomic statuses,” explained study coauthor Dr. Jill Patterson.

“Each time a child exhibited mischievous or ill-advised behavior, the mothers employed their offspring’s first, middle, and last names to chastise them.” Patterson shared some examples from the study:

“Connor Jameson Martin, stop licking that My Little Pony!” shouted Ann Marie Martin at her son Connor while participating in the study. Martin is a 33-year-old stay-at-home parent from rural Wyoming.

“Seriously? Michael David Anderson, get down off that bookshelf at once!” exclaimed Dr. Elise Anderson, a 49-year-old surgeon from New York City.

“Skye Rosemary Smith! What are you thinking, wiping your nose on the toy piano?” questioned Sandra Smith, a 26-year-old makeup artist from Southern California.

In addition to the three-name phenomena when their children were caught misbehaving, the cross-section of mothers also appeared compelled to ask, “Do you need to go potty before we leave?”


About the Author

Jacqueline Miller is a freelance journalist whose work has appeared in Scary Mommy and Her View From Home. She lives in the Midwest and uses a pseudonym for her family’s privacy. Find her at and on Facebook.