By Sam Palmer of Modern Day Hippie Mama
Kwif. Muff puff. Queef. Vart. Cooter Pooter.
If you have a vagina, you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ve all been there: the dead silent yoga class. You’re in a blissful state and looking hot in your yoga pants. You’re standing directly in front of the cutest person in the class. You gracefully go from shaking your tush in Downward Dog into Warrior Pose — and pffffffffft.
You look around in an attempt to not appear suspicious while also making sure nobody is looking at you accusingly. You notice a couple people looking over at your direction and you desperately want to yell, “that didn’t come from my bum!” because for some weird reason that would make you feel better. You try to shrug it off like it ain’t no thang, but it’s hard to envision your chakras aligning when you’re focusing on your fear of flatulating from your vagina.
You feel like there’s no way you could ever go back, but listen up, lady: you can reclaim your yoga class!
Understand that this is normal. Just like boob sweat, upper lip hairs, and PAP smears, queefing during inopportune moments (quiet yoga class, romp sessions, etc.) is just another thing to add to the list of weirdly wonderful things our female selves get to deal with.
Vagina farts are not the result of too much raw broccoli in your lunch. Air gets in your vagina during various activities and then escapes shortly after. That’s it. There’s really nothing gross about it…other than the sound it makes, which exactly resembles the ones that men and toddlers find inexplicably hilarious (minus the stench that goes along with theirs). However, regardless of the reason behind it, it doesn’t negate how embarrassing it can be. For most people who don’t have a vagina—and even some who do—the sound coming from your lady parts isn’t what they’re assuming caused the “pfffffffffffft.”
Preventing these red-faced moments is actually reasonably easy. We all know that kegels and squats can be helpful when it comes to avoiding urinary incontinence (i.e. peeing your pants when you sneeze, laugh, jump, cough, breathe…you know), but they can also be helpful when it comes to toning the muscles so the air doesn’t pass so easily. Your doctor, midwife, pelvic floor physiotherapist (this is a thing, ladies—ask your doctor for a referral!!) can all give you tips on how to do a proper kegel to make sure you’re getting the most out of your efforts.
Now you know exactly what’s causing this fantastically annoying occurrence, so how do you deal with it when it happens?
There’s a few options:
- Completely deny it was you. Point your finger at the guy sitting beside you (because for some reason it’s far more acceptable for men’s bodies to make these noises). Blame your child. Accuse the dog. Don’t take any ownership.
- Say “excuse me” and allow everyone around you to assume you had too much raw broccoli in your lunch.
- Nonchalantly say, “Sorry, that was my vagina.”
Your response will be situational, but whenever possible it is ideal to fill other folks in on the wonders that is the vagina and casually mention the third option. It’s the only way we’re going to end the embarrassment of muff puffs so that women can resume that downward dog–in the yoga studio AND in the bedroom!
This post was originally published on Modern Day Hippie Mama.
About the Author
Sam Palmer has a passion for organic wine, profanities, and being a Mom. She has 4 beautiful daughters, a dog, and that guy she lives with. They live on the West Coast of British Columbia amongst other Birkenstock wearing, home brew guzzling folk. You can find more from her on her website: www.moderndayhippie.ca, Facebook, and Instagram.