I hate filling the car up. It’s not a secret. My husband gets so frustrated with me when I try to wean it and I don’t blame him. I dislike getting in and seeing that I probably have already run out of fumes and it’s now running on faith; I just don’t dislike it enough to actually DO anything about it. I’m ashamed to admit that more than once I’ve mentally calculated the odds that I can make it home when the fuel light comes on.

I don’t have some weird fear of gas pumps, and I’m not worried about safety. It isn’t anything that serious. I just hate the inconvenience, and I swear after dark those pumps have a whole different set of rules. I hate all the damn questions you have to answer and when you are driving home in the snow with two grumpy kids. It’s dark, and when you’ve been on the road half the day, you don’t want to be grilled. This is when it seems exponentially more bothersome. It’s 18 degrees outside and the last thing I want to do is play gas-pump trivia.

1. Swipe your card.

2. Card did not read; please try again.

3. Enter zip code.

4. Enter pin.

5. Would you like a receipt?

6. Would you like a car wash?

7. Let’s sing a song. You start.

8. Do you want a chalupa with that?

9. Have you ever tried to pat your head and rub your belly? Try it now. I’ll wait.

10. What would you say is your best feature?

11. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

12. Did I offer you a car wash?

13. Recite a poem of your choice.

14. Please demonstrate the secret handshake.

15. What is your blood type? Please begin blood donation now.

16. Can you dance? You must dance for the gasoline gods.

17. Would you like a car wash?

18. What’s the highest level of education you have completed?

19. Would you like to play a game?

20. How about fries? Would you like fries with that?

21. List three examples of a socialist government and explain, in your own words, how they differed.

After giving it your all and finding your fingers no longer function because you have carpal tunnel you are met with this:

Card read error. Please see attendant.

Only it’s now 3:00 in the morning four days later and there IS no attendant on duty.

I know this list varies depending on how late or cold it might be. I think the questions change based on how much discomfort you’re experiencing, but basically they are about the same. It’s like you have to fill out a dating profile just to fuel up now, and it infuriates me. I just wanted some gas; if I wanted a car wash, I would buy one!

So I live on the edge more than I should, and I take my chances. I know my husband thinks I do this to spite him, but he is a dude, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe me when I tell him what a monumental task this is for me. I have yet to see the pumps give him this much hell and probably won’t since the babies only barf on themselves when I’m driving.

Now, let’s just hope I make it home.