Clayton, MO — A former classmate of renowned clay sculptor Rae Dunn is pressing charges against the artist, claiming that her popular pottery creations are all plagiarized.

“That skinny Cali bitch is nothing but a big, motherfucking copycat,” said Hilda Grudj, who added that she and Mrs. Dunn go “way back” and actually went to high school together.

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“We were in the same ceramics class,” Grudj told us. “She was your typical star student. Good at everything. Smart. Pretty. Overachieving. All the guys loved her, all the girls wanted to be her, and all of the clay wanted to be caressed by her more-than-capable hands. I think at one point, even I wanted to be caressed by those hands.

“Shit, don’t print that,” she said. “The last thing that ho needs is to think there’s one more person in the world obsessed with her.”

Grudj claims that Dunn’s high school ceramics projects bear no resemblance to her current line of products, which are known for their simplicity, minimalism, and “perfectly imperfect” shape. “She always nailed the assignments. They were complex, detailed, exquisite,” she told us. “She once made a perfect clay replica of the Sistine Chapel, complete with an interior mural that would have given Michelangelo a run for his money.

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“I, on the other hand, was awful. I could never get the hang of the pottery wheel. While little Miss Perfect sat next to me, spinning masterpieces, I was splattering the walls— and, occasionally, her face— with wet clay. Unintentionally, of course.”

Grudj told us that her lack of skill in the pottery department resulted in some unconventionally shaped pots, mugs, and other pieces.

“All my stuff turned out lumpy and ugly as fuck,” she said. “I could never tell what they were supposed to be after I made them, so I’d just label them with a big, black Sharpie. You know, write down the stuff you were supposed to use them for: COFFEE. SALT. PEPPER. COOKIES. POUR. DRINK. SMASH-INTO-SHARDS-YOU-CAN-USE-TO-CUT-A-COPYCATTING-SMUG-ASS-BITCH.

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“Okay, well at least she didn’t steal that idea,” she conceded. “Yet.”

Grudj has already contacted a lawyer and is confident she has a solid case against Dunn.

“Oh yeah, my lawyer says we’re golden. I mean, I have all those hideous pieces from like 30 years ago as evidence,” she said. “They’re all in a box in the attic. I’ve tried selling them every year at our annual garage sale, but no one ever buys them. You know why? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING UGLY.”

Grudj mentioned an incident last year that she said was “the final straw,” spurring her to finally take action against “that hippie-dippy imposter.”

“So, at last year’s garage sale, some millennial twit in a knitted beanie and an appalling cardigan vest had the audacity to accuse me of selling Rae Dunn knock-offs. Can you believe that? Like I would ever knock anything off that idea-stealing-twat. Except maybe her over-inflated head.

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“Don’t print that. That sounds like a threat. My lawyer will be pissed.”

When our reporters attempted to contact Mrs. Dunn for comment, they were unsuccessful in pinpointing her exact location. We did, however, reach her agent, who simply told us that if we wanted to talk to the elusive Rae Dunn, we’d have to waste a good deal of our time frantically searching for her first.

“The hunt is half the fun,” he told us.

Grudj said that she and her lawyer are hoping to see the case go to trial in the next month or two, although she has some concerns about the court’s ability to put together an unbiased jury.

“Everyone buys her shit,” she said. “I heard the judge even has a fucking ceramic gavel with the words ‘I run this motha’ scrawled across it.”

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About the Author

Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars