Quotes from Real Human Dads at 2:11 AM When the New Baby’s Screaming Again

By Nikki Campo

“What is that?”

“Have you Googled ‘my baby is crying’?”

“I’m going to be so tired for my dentist appointment.”

“Do you want to call your friend, Ashley? Her baby seems normal.”

“Do you mind grabbing me the white noise machine? I like the exotic birds.”

“What did you learn at her check-up? Maybe we need to find a new podiatrist.”

“I found a pamphlet on the ground called Tips for Better Sleep. I left it for you on the counter. Did you not read it?”

“Have you thought about formula?  I’ve heard formula makes babies stay asleep.  Or Benadryl.  Or sausage gravy.  If you want to keep breastfeeding, though, I support you 100%.”

“I’ll send a group text to my ex-fiancée and her sisters. Trust me on this one. They co-authored a New York Times bestseller on how to raise independent children. I was going to surprise you with a signed copy for our anniversary.”

“Rob, my friend at work whose wife is a Pilates instructor and nutritionist with a PhD in physics and five kids, said their newest baby has been sleeping through the night since she was born.  Want me to have him have her call you?”

“Did our other kids do this?  Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I’ll call my mom. Not that I think you’re doing it wrong.”

Future quotes:

“I slept like a baby last night.” (stated the next morning, without a shred of irony)

“Our baby slept well.” (stated when the child is four and the dad is still confused about what all went down in those years)


About the Author

Nikki is a writer based in Charlotte, North Carolina. She has publications in Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, MockMom, and The Belladonna. Follow her around the kitchen or @nikkicampo on Twitter.