By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
1. What is your most striking feature?
A) Hair
B) Lips
C) Booty
D) Humongous fake boobs
2. If you were a television show, what would you be?
A) Friends
B) Alias
C) American Idol
D) The View
3. Press “shuffle” on your iTunes. Which song comes up?
A) “I’ll Be There for You” — The Rembrandts
B) “The New Version of You” (Felicity Theme Song)
C) “If You Had My Love” — Jennifer Lopez
D) “Hangin’ Tough” — New Kids on the Block
4. Who is your dream celebrity date?
A) Brad Pitt
B) Ben Affleck
C) Ben Affleck
D) Donnie Wahlberg
5. Who is your “work husband”?
A) David Schwimmer
B) Scott Foley (and he was also my actual husband)
C) Keith Urban
D) Whoopie Goldberg
6. Which state do you call home?
A) California
B) The middle part
C) The Bronx
D) Chicago-ish
7. How much education do you have?
A) None
B) I dropped out
C) I’m functionally illiterate
D) The human head weighs eight pounds
8. Which area of science is your favorite?
A) Biology
B) Starbucks
C) Exercise
D) I love lamp
RESULTS:
Mostly ‘A’s: Jennifer Aniston
OK, so she’s not technically a mom, but there is something charming and maternal about her. Also, she once played the part of a dentist on Horrible Bosses, so she is as much a mom as she is a doctor–which is to say, she is totally one. While you are asking Aniston about herd immunity, be sure to get tips on how to keep your hair shiny after 40.
Mostly ‘B’s: Jennifer Garner
Everyone’s girl next door is the Jennifer for you. She is cute–but not threateningly beautiful, sweet–but not afraid to swear, successful–but unlucky in love. When she squints, her deep brown eyes allow for a precisely measured pause that comes across as intelligence. She is far too rich and famous to be your friend, but her relatable air will give you the false hope that she’s thinking it over. Much like she thought over the MMR vaccine.
Mostly ‘C’s: Jennifer Lopez
Singer, dancer, actress, reality singing competition judge–this Jennifer does it all! She made some deal with the devil whereby she could use black magic to keep her face looking eternally 20, so I’m pretty sure she knows a spell or two to conquer meningitis.
Mostly ‘D’s: Jenny McCarthy
Ms McCarthy is the fairy godmother of vaccination advice. She earned her honorary PhD from Hugh Hefner’s correspondence course in STD Epidemiology with a minor in Cosmetic Surgery Appreciation. While she was a resident at the Playboy Mansion, she studied her own foam of hot tub filth under a microscope. The specimen of bacteria she found had oozing sores, Guy Fieri bleached tips, and told her that vaccines cause autism.
*****
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scarymommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.