By Lauren Morris of laurenhasthree.com
You might be trying your best as a parent, or you might just have given up. Who knows? Parenting is hard.
The point is you’re being judged based on your kids’ behavior, so take this quiz and see just how shitty of a parent you really are!
1. Does your 5-year-old ask questions, argue about the answers, and then ask even more questions?
YES: Experts say kids this age are discovering their identity or learning something new, but, according to your elderly neighbor who has five grown children, seven grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren, if you let this behavior continue, your kid risks becoming a future asshole who can’t make a decision without asking you first!
NO: Oh! Perhaps you aren’t providing enough stimulation or an environment that encourages them to question, learn, and discover. I hear the McPhersons down the street only use the socratic method. Think about that and then answer the question.
2. Did you once accidentally laugh at the time your 2-year-old said fuck and now they won’t stop dropping F-bombs anywhere that would be considered inappropriate?
YES: Perhaps the laughter was the unintended consequence, but your child now has been validated and given attention from their most important people. You need to shut that down ASAP. According to your child’s preschool teacher, if this isn’t handled, you will end up raising “that” guy who tells racist jokes at the company picnic.
NO: The fact that you know the difference between negative and positive reinforcement is impressive, but not all of us can understand applied behavior. Plus it’s funny when kids say things they shouldn’t. Seems to us you need to lighten up!
3. Are your kids constantly breaking headphones, power chargers, and tablet covers?
YES: Accidents happen. You and I KNOW if they break something at your mother-in-law’s house, shit is going to hit the fan and her kids NEVER spent that much time with electronics as she likes to point out every time you get together for Thanksgiving. Plus, if you aren’t careful, then your kid is on their way to being the asshole who insists on having the newest tech gadget and lets everyone know it!
NO: Hmmm… have you had your kid evaluated? You have everything organized and put away where it belongs? Well, umm, okay, some of us aren’t going to win a parent of the year award or have a degree in organizational home economics. You could stop and think about the rest of us every now and then.
4. Is your child a picky eater?
YES: Sure, your kid is going through a chicken nugget phase and has been for 15 days straight. But remember, the cashier at the fast food joint has seen you every night and is now insisting drive-thru meals are not “family dinner time” while you hand her your credit card. Take a long hard look in the mirror. Let this continue and you will have raised a foodie who Instagrams every meal. No one wants that!
NO: Well LA-DI-FRICKIN-DA, aren’t you just Susie Homemaker with your organic, non-GMO, farm to table chef? Your family can just suck on those lemons from your backyard lemon tree!
What’s that? You scored yourself? Huh! Well, good for you. We were too busy giving you side-eye for staring at your phone for so long. Thanks, we guess.
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About the Author
Lauren Morris is the founder of AdLib Theatre Company. A theater dedicated to the art of long form improv comedy. She is a veteran of numerous improv and theater festivals where she has been invited to perform and teach. Lauren studied improv at The Annoyance Theatre & Bar, iOWest, UCB, and with other improv notables from around the country. She hosts The Improv Teachers, winner of Best of Improv Podcasts, 2017, PlayerFM. As a writer, Lauren has been featured in publications such as Razed, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and Robot Butt. She also keeps some musings on Medium and honed her satire skills via Second City. You can find more from Lauren on her website: www.laurenhasthree.com, Twitter @laurenhasthree, and Medium @laurenmorris.