By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
Punxsutawney Phil, Groundhog Day’s beloved poster woodchuck, is currently being held without bail at the Burr Row Correctional Complex in Punxsutawney, PA, on charges of being a “motherfucking fraud.”
The arrest happened late Tuesday night after the Punxsutawney Police Department received multiple complaints against the now-infamous rodent.
“We received several phone calls, as well as some pretty vindictive letters,” stated Police Chief Don Uttinger. “Someone even hung a dehydrated groundhog paw on the station door, accompanied by an anonymous written threat demanding we take immediate action. Apparently, the perpetrator knows where Phil’s family burrows during this time of year.”
Uttinger assured us that proper measures have been taken to ensure the safety of the other Punxsutawney groundhogs.
“We’re not taking any chances,” Uttinger said. “Whoever made that threat clearly has a pretty big woodchip on his shoulder. I can’t really blame him either,” Uttinger continued, nodding to the frost-covered station window. “We’re all pretty upset. That little log-chewer fooled us all.”
The incident in question took place on February 2 of this year, commonly known as “Groundhog Day.” Greeting a large crowd as he exited his den, it was then that Punxsutawney Phil looked to the surrounding TV cameras and proclaimed his shadow to be undetectable, essentially promising everyone present—and at home—an early spring.
“We’ve had a few warm days here and there,” Uttinger said. “But then this Polar Vortex business happened. Now here we are, well into March, still brushing snow off our cars and scattering salt on our driveways. People want justice.”
Uttinger told us that more people have come forward to press charges in the time since Phil’s arrest Tuesday night.
“They’re suing him for all kinds of stuff. Some want monetary compensation for heating bills or Vitamin D supplements. There are stay-at-home-moms seeking damages for mental distress due to excessive snow and e-learning days. I’ve got a connection at the White House who tells me even President Trump is suing. Something about ‘character assassination caused by the cheap artificial self-tanners necessitated by the unexpected lack of natural sunlight.’
“If you ask me, the Trumpster looks like the Lorax year-round, regardless of the weather, but I don’t wanna get too political.”
Although we couldn’t get an official statement from Punxsutawney Phil because he’s, you know, a fucking rodent, his lawyer, Mr. Earl E. Spring, did release the following on his client’s behalf:
“I am fully confident that the charges against my client will be dropped before the case reaches trial. Phil is a beloved, respected, and professional member of this community. His tenure as Official Groundhog isn’t something that can be overshadowed by a few inconvenient snow clouds. Furthermore, there may have been extenuating circumstances that affected Phil’s prediction; we have a team of expert meteorologists analyzing satellite data as we speak.”
Spring also told us that an ophthalmologist has been contacted to check Phil for cataracts.
“There are a lot of factors at play here,” he said. “Phil may not be the youngest groundhog in the burrow, but he would never intentionally deceive anyone.”
A preliminary hearing has been set for the first of April.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.