The Williamsbrook Elementary School PTA opened its first meeting of the new year by transferring leadership from past president Anne Toth to incoming president Christine Caldera through the annual New Fire Ceremony.
The New Fire Ceremony, a decades-long PTA tradition, allows the new PTA president to assume the powers of her office by slaying the departing president and consuming her still-beating heart before the assembled membership.
In her closing remarks, Toth said, “It is a great honor to pass the baton, and by that, of course, I mean the sacrificial knife, to my dear friend Christine. Serving as your president is the ultimate fulfillment of my destiny, and having done that, there is no further reason for me to remain alive. Like the sacred fire of Mt. Huixachtlan, may my spirit pass to the next generation of PTA leaders, who, unlike SOME people I won’t name, would never dream of trying to pass off store-bought cookies as homemade at our holiday bake sale on December 12th.”
“I’m so thrilled about all the exciting plans the PTA has for this year!” said Caldera after the meeting, Toth’s still-warm blood dripping from her chin.
“And kudos to the executive board for planning such a moving New Fire ceremony. I feel invigorated and inspired as my predecessor’s life force courses through me right now.”
Some parents of kindergartners seemed taken aback by the ceremony with many running from the room, retching, before the meeting concluded.
“Holy fucking shit!” exclaimed a visibly shaken Kate Butler whose son, Seamus, will be in Mrs. Jorgenson’s kindergarten class on Monday. “I thought it was all an elaborate joke! What in the hell is wrong with these bitches?”
Other parents shrugged off the bloodier aspects of the ceremony as harmless tradition.
“I’m really just here to find out about funding for after-school programs,” said Cheryl Jones, who has a 6th grader and a 3rd grader at Williamsbrook.
“I hardly ever go to these meetings because these people take themselves so seriously, but my daughter has been begging to do a Lego Robotics class and I couldn’t find any information on the website.”
Caldera closed the meeting with an incantation seeking the favor of an ancient deity on the school’s Fun Fair in two weeks.
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About the Author
Kathleen Gordon is a lawyer and single mom who blogs at Middletini where she uses inappropriate humor as a defense mechanism. Her writing has been featured on the Huffington Post and Mamapedia, and she is a contributing author to two anthologies: Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor (2015) and Adventures in Potty Training (upcoming).