Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t hear my cowbell through the duration of the 3rd period? Hows about I just use my voice to let you know that MY son is going to kick YOUR son’s ass if he stands in front of the crease again! No, don’t worry about my voice, it’s fine. You’re just hearing 4 decades of me hanging out with the Marlboro Man, ya bitch. Alright, time to drop mittens, you’re goin’ down.
And that was just a friendly conversation I had with the dad of #9 on OUR team. Imagine how I’m gonna react to a stranger trying to come at me. One of the biggest issues we are currently facing is Cancel Culture, and I tell you, it’s coming for ALL OF US!
If there’s one thing I know more than hockey, it’s America. And America was founded on 3 principles: Freedom of Speech, the 2nd Amendment (but only for huntin’ so Hal can bring home a buck and make the venison stew I bring to all the team potlucks), and kicking Russia’s and Canada’s ass on the ice. That’s literally all that matters in the world, and sayin’ otherwise is just lookin’ to tussle.
So, yeah, it’s true: I lost my cool at the city council meeting last month when they told me they didn’t have the authority to allow competitive play. They also mocked me when I suggested that maybe the Russians hacked the mainframe and fudged the numbers to make it look like the whole Covid thing is worse than it is in order to gain a competitive advantage. When they implied that I was with those QAnon dipshits, that’s when I lost my cool.
Just to clear the air, I’ll provide a quick hit list of the things I did or did NOT do so we can move on.
I DID call the mayor a sackless bitch boy.
I DID NOT brandish a firearm. As I made clear, guns are for huntin’.
I DID chuck a chair, but I DID NOT intentionally hit one of the council women. I mean, I did hit her, I just didn’t mean to.
I DID bring my cowbells, duh.
I DID NOT try to slice the security officer’s throat with a skate blade. Come on, people, that’s ridiculous!
I DID recite Herb Brooks’ speech verbatim, drop the mic, and kick the podium over on my way back to my seat.
Anyway, as it turns out, the city council really doesn’t have the authority to restart the season. The responsibility belongs to the governor. Still, I regret nothing.
When I tried to set up a meeting with the governor to let her know it was time to get this hockey season going (and also maybe open up an investigation on the Russian hacking), her people said she was “busy.” Well, guess who else is busy? ME!
You think being a hockey mom is just about showin’ up to games and bangin’ on the glass? It’s practically a full-time job, and I love every second of it. And that is why this sports shutdown is not just ruining my son’s chance to one day play with the local minor league club; it’s depriving me of my joy, and more importantly for you, my ability to vent my pent-up anger and frustration with my station in life.
Everyone is trying to cancel me right now. They say, “The governor is too busy” or “You can’t call the mayor a sackless bitch boy” or “Please stop coming to all of the practices, you’re ruining the experience of team sports for every parent and every child, especially your own.” You know, stuff like that.
Well, they don’t know who they’re messing with. In case it’s not abundantly clear by now, they will NEVER shut me up. I will always keep trying, whether I use my voice or my cowbell. Like the only Canadian I will ever trust said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
You can’t keep me silent, and you will never cancel me!