By M.K. Raley of Mother, Deconstructed
Coming out of the Child Coma has been a long, slow process. How many times have you heard that? Well, you hear it because it is true. Just like the New Relationship Coma or the Wedding Year Coma, it is real and it can happen to you.
I used to laugh at my mom when she didn’t know what 80’s fashion or music was like. She always said, “I was raising children.” I said, “Yes, but you still wore the big fuchsia blazers and chunky geometric jewelry,” totally disbelieving that raising a family, holding a job, and running a household would, in any way, negate noticing what clothes you bought or what songs you heard on the radio. Needless to say, I have dined upon my words and would like to apologize to my mother.
The last thing I remember was that Franz Ferdinand’s star was on the rise, something called a hipster was starting to pop up in cultural conversations, and most people still had an active MySpace. There was also an unhealthy obsession with design-related reality shows on cable and no one knew what a Kardashian was. Not really.
The next thing I know (culturally speaking, of course) is that the world has changed and I have changed, but I’m not sure how we all got from Point A to Point B. I look at women my age who have not devoted themselves exclusively to family and their jobs and I wonder, what have they been up to all of this time?
My years of sleeplessness have felt full to the brim. While parents do generally manage to maintain jobs, marriages, friendships, community involvement, and ensure the well-being of the kids, it is an extremely busy schedule (whew!). If you take away those little people-related responsibilities, life would have looked very different.
Different, however, does not have to mean better or worse.
The worlds of kid-full and kid-free do not need to be pitted against each other. Unfortunately, there is a lurking tension between women who are moms and women who are not moms (by choice or chance). But why? You either have kids or you do not. This has no bearing on how awesome a person you are.
I’ll happily say that childfree women are unequivocally rocking it. They have made amazing strides in their professional fields, have beautiful amounts of personal time to dream, achieve goals, and change the landscape of equality for everyone. Melanie Notkin, author of the 2014 book Otherhood, describes the benefits and challenges of women who do not (for many reasons) have children. Notkin wants to recognize these often-slighted ladies for their hard work on “filling life with things that are meaningful, that give life purpose.” It’s this meaning and purpose that can productively change expectations and definitions of happiness for all of us.
We are moving toward a world of greater fairness because of women who devote themselves to their jobs, arts, communities, and dreams. They may spend their nights and weekends writing great books, taking on that complicated project at the office, or going the extra mile to donate blood. These women without children significantly change the landscape of equality and make tremendous strides to fulfill the promises of the Second and Third Wave Feminists. They promote cultural causes, political issues, and contribute to their communities in dynamic ways.
Even the stereotype of single cat lady is not negative in my view. Our neighborhoods are better places because there are people (not just ladies, of course) who have shown endless compassion for animals in need. If you see a stray cat with a notched ear, you know that an amazing person did a tremendous amount of work to collect and take that kitty to a vet for neutering or spaying.
Women who do not have children are forging ahead and creating a new vista for all citizens, but this does not seem to get much press in the larger media. The daily stories are just the silly minutia of squabbles between family-friendly folks and the irritated attention seekers who want families with children to stay in casual dining establishments. These click bait arguments do not promote the best interest of a society that wants to embrace differences.
While I may have been in a toddler-raising blackout for the last few years, I am delighted and heartened to see so many people diligently working for a more just and equitable society. Children should see that fulfillment comes in many forms: family, friends, art, career, and community to name a few. There are so many ways to contribute to society and no one path is right for every single person.
Though it can be tempting to bicker about the details of inclusion, I think it is high time to say: major props to women without children. They are role models who enrich communities and are working hard to make equal support for individual choices in the 21st century. You gals rock my world.
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About M.K. Raley
M. K. Raley considers life, literature, and lunacy while raising children, teaching, and trying to not eat all of the frozen chocolate chips. You can catch up with her at Mother, Deconstructed.