By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
Last Mother’s Day my kids made me a macaroni necklace, and I have a few complaints to lodge.
To start, the craftsmanship was shoddy at best. A few of the noodles had chunks bitten out of them, and it appears they ran out of string because it fit like a 90’s choker — if that choker came from the set of an absurdist Melrose Place parody wherein Beaker from The Muppets played the part of Heather Locklear.
To say the noodle necklace is kind of ugly is like saying Billy Bob Thornton is a little eccentric or Gilbert Gottfried is sort of annoying. I haven’t seen such an eyesore since Chris Kirkpatrick wore pigtail braids to hide the fact that he was a 47-year-old member of NSYNC.
And now I have to wear this thing around town, like a cone of shame, making a public mockery of myself? People on the street will wonder which asylum I escaped from because this necklace couldn’t make me look more insane if it came equipped with a stolen shopping cart and a bird for my hair.
The kids might as well have gotten me an “I’m with stupid” t-shirt where the arrow points at my face. If I’m “dressing for the job I want,” then it seems I aspire to be an unemployed shut-in with a nervous tick.
They say it’s the thought that counts. If that’s true, what counts to my family is making a sport out of humiliating me. I have received better gifts from an IRS auditor. I haven’t been this disappointed since last Mother’s Day when they gave me a coupon for a free hug, which is why I’m awarding this product 0/5 stars.
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About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.