By MockMom

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room

2:48 P.M. EDT

MS. SANDERS: Good afternoon. This past week has been sullied with the emergence of a new book from a former adult-film star, who does not deserve to be acknowledged by name.

There is a specific accusation made in said book that President Trump wishes to address directly: His penis is much, much larger than the book’s author portrays it to be.

The author in question notes that his penis is comparable to “the mushroom character in Mario Kart,” but President Trump’s penis is the greatest in the nation. Many, many people have said so.

If anything, it’s similar to one of the larger characters, like Donkey Kong, Bowser, or even Dry Bowser. President Trump would like to reassure the nation that his penis is absolutely enormous.

We are asking Twitter to ban the currently trending hashtags: #ToadPeen and #ShroomTop. President Trump has personally suggested instead using the hashtags #DonkeyKongSchlong and #DryBowserLoveBone.

President Trump also wants to add that his pubes in no way resemble a Yeti, nor any other kind of hairy, mythical woodland creature.

On behalf of the President and the White House, I’d like to admonish the press for printing this fake news garbage. Even though we suspiciously never sue for libel, we will use this in our growing efforts to dismantle the free press.

There will be no questions taken now, or possibly ever again.