The North Pole confirmed today that Santa Claus is retiring. The North Pole facilities will start closing down effective January 1st. Starting next Christmas, all deliveries will be outsourced.
The closure is the result of a combination of issues:
The North Pole Can’t Compete with Amazon
Santa and the reindeer can’t compete with same day service and delivery drones. Child labor is much less expensive than housing and feeding all the elves. With the current price of wood, the cost of The North Pole’s heating bill isn’t sustainable by giving away presents for free. And those elves can really pack away the candy canes (which don’t actually grow on Christmas trees).
The past ten to twenty years have resulted in more children requesting electronic devices that the elves can’t make in the workshop. Santa was already outsourcing a ton of the labor anyway – it makes economic sense to cut out the middleman.
Less Christmas Spirit
Every year there are fewer kids on the “nice” list, resulting from a general decrease in the number of children actually celebrating Christmas and a rapid increase in naughty behavior. As well, the North Pole stats suggest dropping lumps of coal in stockings is no longer effective in changing behavior. Parents are just buying presents for their over-entitled kids year round to stop them from whining.
Advances in Home Security
Over the past number of years, increased use of electronic security devices has made it much more difficult for Santa to even get into homes. Not to mention his weight issues. Even if you only eat a million cookies once a year, it does start to catch up.
This Christmas and Forward
Future Christmases will be outsourced as follows:
Gifts will be sponsored by large, multinational conglomerates including Amazon, Apple, American Girl and Starbucks who will provide the gifts “free” in exchange for marketing opportunities.
- All gifts will be wrapped with advertisements.
- Instead of pen to paper Santa letters, kids will be able to efficiently process their wish lists online using an online gift registry.
- Electronic devices will be pre-loaded with ads for the partner companies. (For a fee, parents can remove the ads).
- The companies are anticipating that giving away entry level gifts will lead to increased sales of accessories and apps.
Amazon’s delivery drones will be outfitted with the latest technology. Locked doors and small chimneys will not be a problem. Since the Naughty/Nice lists and coal are no longer effective deterrents for undesirable behavior, Naughty Kids will instead be mocked for not having the Amazon Drones hovering over their houses Christmas Eve.
New Role for Santa
To keep himself busy in his retirement, Santa will become the newest Weight Watcher’s spokesman. He’s going to work on his self-described “cookie addiction” and has set a goal of a 100 pound weight loss by next Christmas.
No Elf Displacement
The Christmas Associative Network of Elves (CANE) has been supportive of the move. The union has been working closely with The North Pole to ensure that no elves are displaced as a result of the changes. Luckily, The North Pole has been engaging in a sideline business for several years. During the Cold War, the National Security Agency (NSA) formed an elf branch – the NPSA (North Pole Security Agency). It involved a little extra paperwork above and beyond the naughty list but brought in some extra cash to pay for The North Pole’s charitable activities. Now that the toy making and delivery functions of The North Pole are closing, the NPSA will be focusing efforts full time on providing information, background checks and other security related activities. In addition, The North Pole activities will be moving out of The North Pole to save on costs. In addition to saving on heating, the elves will be switching to a healthier diet of pineapples and coconuts…which do grow on trees.
The North Pole and their partners would like to reassure parents and children that Christmas this year will continue as it has in the past. There will be a very smooth transition to the new system starting in January and ramping up until December of next year. Details on gift registries will be available online starting January 2nd.
About the Author
Liv is the pseudonym reformed divorcee and single mom – now married, coparenting and working mother of three. She’s been featured on ScaryMommy, HuffPost Divorce, Your Tango, Club Mid and DivorcedMoms.com. More at livebysurprise.com.