You open your kid’s school folder and cringe at that brightly colored piece of paper that reeks of the PTO. Congratulations! You’re either being asked to volunteer, dole out some cash, or pimp your kid out to sell shit nobody wants at prices nobody wants to pay, door-to-door, in the ultimate suck-fest that is child labor in the name of school spirit.
Schools aren’t stupid. They know they can use our kids’ bug-eyed cuteness as a lethal money-making weapon. The guilt of having to say, “No” to some kid on your doorstep, or even worse, your kid, hell-bent on earning that limo ride to Chuck E. Cheese, would be a real kick in the literal or metaphorical ballsack.
And, yes, we know the money goes toward a good cause and ultimately benefits our children and community, but that doesn’t make the entire ordeal any less insufferable.
Gone are the days of daydreaming for that Rose Art kit; today kids are trying to score things like fidget spinners and iPods. What a time to be alive.
The plus side is, there are Twitter parents who can help make you laugh by saying what we all really want to. Enjoy commiserating with these funny parents on an epic bitch-a-thon in lieu of that jog-a-thon.
Dad, we only have 248 more candles to sell for the free Apple watch. Can you text your friends? pic.twitter.com/EfY3TqrpVq
— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) September 12, 2017
Me: So when is this fundraiser money due?
9yo: Today? Or maybe another day?
-Why I never know what's going on at school.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 22, 2015
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2017
They say I'm too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma'am, this is just a bake sale
— Marl (@Marlebean) September 22, 2015
School fundraisers be like, "For every second you stay on El Diablo, this year's deadliest rodeo bull, your child earns an expired coupon."
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 2, 2017
Veteran Parenting Tip:
Friends don't make friends buy school fundraiser wrapping paper.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 11, 2017
If schools really wanted to rake in some serious money from parents they'd swap the Yankee Candle fundraisers for Liquor, Beer & Wine.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 7, 2017
PTA: This fun-run is the ONLY fundraiser we do.
Also, the PTA: organizes basket raffle, sells spirit wear, sells build-a-bear knock-offs…— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2017
Oh, hey neighbor. Your kid needs to move three cases of popcorn to get to band camp? Probably sorry you said I look tired last week.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) May 6, 2017
Sitting outside Bob Evan's by the highway for pre-arranged fundraiser pie pickups from the back of my minivan is the sketchiest I get.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 23, 2016
It's all fun & games until your kid comes home from their first day of school & says "fundraiser."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 22, 2017
My daughter sold the school's fundraiser door-to-door with no coat, no shoes, and teeth chattering.
It's like she just knew what to do.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) January 20, 2017
*shows up to PTA fundraiser sporting tasteful sideboob*
— Val (@ValeeGrrl) September 30, 2015
https://twitter.com/House_Feminist/status/855452871277412352
Now, get out there and stand awkwardly in a bunch of strangers’ driveways while your child swindles homeowners out of their hard-earned cash.