Just wait, kids. You have no idea what's in store for you as adults.
Humor Parenting

Payback Is a Mother, My Darling Children

Just wait, kids. You have no idea what's in store for you as adults.

By Charlotte McMullen of RuckusGirl.com

Payback will be hell for my adult children’s possessions.

I like to imagine what it will be like when my kids are grown and no longer making it their daily mission to destroy everything in my home. Vengeance will be mine.


“That is it!” My eyes flash wildly as I point my right index finger at the ceiling.

“Whenever you guys have your own houses, Dad and I are coming over and trashing them.”

“Nuh-uh. You guys won’t do that,” an older child protests.

“Yuh-huh!” I insist.

“We’ll start in the bedroom. I’ll jump on your bed while dad pulls clothes out of drawers and throws them onto the floor. Then we’ll walk all over them like we don’t even feel them under our feet.”

“Well, we won’t tell you where we live!” a child says.

Undeterred by the challenge, I fantasize further.

“Dad and I will follow your mailman. You can’t hide from us.”

Darn. This lady is good, their little minds think.

My futuristic assault upon their adult possessions presses on.

“Next your father and I will be sooo hungry. You’ll cook for us, but we’ll hate it all!”

“No way,” a child objects. “We know your favorites. We’ll just make those.”

“Doesn’t matter,” I say and shake my head for emphasis. “We’ll refuse to eat them.”

“Then your Dad and I will watch TV and mess with the backs of the remotes until they break. We’ll remove one battery and lose it. We’ll be starving and demand snacks and beverages. When you give us food, we’ll shove it between the seat cushions for no good reason. And we’ll roughhouse with our cups until they spill. We. Will. Laugh.”

My payback daydream comes faster than I can relay to my children, but there is no stopping.

“Dad and I will be sooo bored. You’ll take us on a car ride. Don’t worry, I will supply the candy.”

“What candy? There will be no candy in my new car!” a child protests.

“That’s what everyone thinks. You’ll remind us to pass up the wrappers, but Dad and I won’t hear you. We’ll be too busy goofing off; you know, cramming sticky wrappers into every cup holder and crevice possible. It’ll be a blast!”

“AHHHHHH!!!” the children scream.


I understand what you are feeling, my children. Payback is a bitch.


Your Mother

A version of this post originally appeared on Ruckus Girl.


About the Author

Charlotte McMullen is a freelance writer, farmer’s wife, and mother of five daughters. She writes about her salty sweet life at RuckusGirl.com. Her essays have appeared on Scary Mommy, MockMom, Mamalode, and Grit.com. You can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook.