By Jean Lomas-Hamilton of this slow process

Parents nationwide rejoiced at the recent announcement of a groundbreaking new app whose creators claimed it could translate and explain infants’ cries. Unfortunately, excitement gave way to anguish shortly after Monday’s highly-anticipated release, when those who purchased the app discovered that although it was flawless in its accuracy, the babies’ reasons for crying were absolutely batshit crazy.

While the app correctly identifies a few of the more predictable reasons for a baby to cry, such as “Your baby is hungry,” “Your baby is tired,” and “Your baby has shit himself,” reviewers on both the App Store and Google Play expressed frustration and disappointment at the other reasons their infants were upset.

“I could already tell when my baby crapped his pants,” lamented user BigPoppa69. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious. But what the hell am I supposed to do when he’s so worked up about climate change? Who does this kid think I am – Obama?”

Other users agreed. An App Store review by user MadisynsMommy complained that “some of the reasons are really hard to get your head around. Apparently my baby is ‘literally dying’ because she ‘can’t even right now.’ Should I take her to a doctor, or… I don’t know, Starbucks or something?”

Further investigation into the app’s algorithm uncovered the following list of potential explanations why your baby might be crying:

• Your baby fucking hates you because you’re a horrible person and also you smell bad.
• Your baby wants to go BASE jumping but doesn’t meet the minimum height requirement.
• Your baby just learned about all the Kit Kat flavors available in Japan and is pissed off at the dearth of options here at home.
• Your baby saw that SPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan in it and started crying because she’s not dead inside like you are.
• Your baby is having an existential crisis and is consumed with ennui at the thought of life’s utter meaninglessness.
• Your baby has been following Donald Trump’s campaign and can’t figure out whether he’s actually serious or if it’s all just an elaborate piece of performance art. Your baby is confused and frustrated.
• Your baby is mad because you should KNOW why he’s crying, and if you don’t know what you did wrong then he’s not going to tell you. Your baby has had enough of your shit, okay?
• Your baby has recently learned the ending to Making a Murderer and is disappointed not only in the Wisconsin justice system, but also because she SPECIFICALLY requested NO SPOILERS before she’s had a chance to watch the finale.
• Your baby has had enough of the goddamn Kardashians. Especially Kendall. Bitch.
• Your baby is a straight-up asshole. Statistically speaking, somebody’s baby had to be. Time to face facts – yours is it.

In an attempt to mitigate the backlash, the app’s creators issued a written statement Tuesday announcing a process for dissatisfied consumers to request a refund of the $2.99 download cost. They did, however, question “why users would have expected rational thought from infants in the first place – given that they are, after all, underdeveloped humans who shit themselves on the regular.”

The planned release of a similar app for toddlers has now been placed on hold indefinitely.

*****

About the Author

Jean Lomas-Hamilton has a husband, a baby, a cat, and a lot of thoughts. You can read about them all on her blog, this slow process. Jean’s writing has been featured on Scary Mommy, BlogHer, and, in her younger days, more than one public bathroom wall. She’s also on Facebook and Twitter… so there’s that.