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There is a reversible skirt should I “need to go from the office to a gala event.” Or I’m considering the underwater camera should I be “visiting the Caribbean.”
My television pals are hosts Pam, Jill and Don*. Pam is pregnant, Jill is engaged, and Don just rescued a cat from a shelter. (Go Don!) They seem to know exactly what I need to purchase from the “Q.” QVC is available for my buying whim 24/7, 364 days a year. (The production closes on Christmas, much to my chagrin.)
“Hello. This is Katie Hiener. I’d like to get the reversible skirt in an XXXXXL, mint green, please. And I’d also like the underwater camera in the neon orange.”
“Hello, Ms. Hiener. We welcome you back to QVC, and I must say that you’ve made two excellent choices! Shall you be using your Q card ending in 8302853? Your total is $274. 92.”
My heart races as I consider what I have done- guilt, guilt, guilt- yet I also am feeling a ‘high’ of sorts. Imagining Fred, the UPS man, knocking on my door in 3 to 5 business days, I smile a half grin and turn the volume up. Don is hosting the next hour of Essential Pet Couture.
I sit with my cat, Phoebe, on my lap. I consider ‘kitty pajamas’ for “chilly winter nights when your kitty likes to present a cozy persona by the fire.” Non-toxic fur dye for your pup is a choice. Pink Poodles, ah my!
Why do I fall for this parlay of poop? I do NOT need a skirt as I’m a writer who spends each day in men’s boxers and an over-sized t-shirt. I don’t need that camera as I hate to swim in the ocean. “Do, do, do, do! Jaws!” And Phoebe would claw my face off should I attempt to stuff her into clothing of any sort. =^..^=[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]
“Hello, this is Katie Hiener. I placed an order a short while ago that I’d like to cancel. You see, my cruise to Italy has been overbooked and unfortunately, I was bumped.”
“Ms. Hiener, that’s terrible! Of course we can cancel your skirt and camera. By chance are you watching as we speak? Individually wrapped, gourmet liquor truffles are being presented, and I hear they are to die for. They’ll arrive at your door in a pretty, ribbon encased, lacquered box, just right for gift giving. Of course, you may decide to sample them yourself and delight in such a treat. Today’s special value is just $43.99!”
“I’ll take two, thank you, and please place them on my Q card ending in 8302853.” I take solace in knowing that Pink Poodles are for sissies. A package containing camping gear for 6 easy payments of $52.95 are for us rugged types.
I’m a work in progress.
Gotta go. Fred the UPS guy is backing down the driveway.
*Names have been changed so that I won’t get sued.[/nextpage]