By MockMom Contributors
White House adviser and suspected-vampire Jared Kushner reportedly updated his federal disclosure form several times to include more than 100 names on a list of foreign contacts after he’d already gained security clearance.
Here is a list of other information that he conveniently forgot to add to his security clearance forms:
He has a tail. (He’s actually a giant snake in the skin of a man.)
He eats candy bars with a knife and fork.
He’s secretly Tom Hanks in ‘Big’.
Still eats glue.
He’s a never-nude. (Except instead of jean cut-offs, he wears monogrammed corduroy shorts and sock garters.)
He also calls Mike Pence’s wife “Mother.”
He has Ivanka call him “Mother.”
He’s actually a rare life form whose cocoon was a hairball Kellyanne Conway coughed up sometime in the 90s.
Spent a summer slumming it with the daughter of a millionaire. Like, with an ‘M’. Eww.
He buys his clothes at GAP Kids.
He still bathes with a rubber ducky.
Insists on adding tartar sauce to everything. (Except seafood, which he eats with ketchup.)
He thought Robin Williams’ character in Dead Poet’s Society was irresponsible.
His greatest childhood achievement is farting the ABCs in succession — twice.
He’s actually the third Menendez brother.
Cries during Arby’s “We Have the Meat” commercials.
Is the grandson of the “Where’s the Beef” lady.
Was nicknamed the “Little Prince Machiavelli” in pre-K.
Was the karaoke king of the bar mitzvah circuit, where his version of Hava Nagila brought all the Mensches to the yard.
He got into wrestling in high school just for the singlet.
He gets his pubes trimmed at Great Clips.
Can’t go to wax museums because he’s mistaken for one of the figures.
Can’t read.
Secretly wishes he were in the Babysitters Club.
He thought “Hindu Kush” was a weird ethnic slur directed against him.
He doesn’t own pajamas, just “sleeping suits.”
Flosses his teeth while watching Ivanka shitting.
Knows the Karate Kid by heart and reenacts it, with the bandana, in his apartment’s rec room Friday nights after Ivanka and the kids go to sleep.
He wants to be just like Paul Ryan when he grows up.
Orders the watery tuna footlong at Subway.
Calls Stalin 2nd sexiest Russian leader.
He thinks Africa is a country.
Can’t go to sleep until Ivanka reassures him that someday he’ll be a real boy.
He’s been dead for ten years.
*****
Special thanks to the following contributors:
E.R. Catalano, Leslie Gaar, Rhiannon Giles, Anna Gracia, Andrew Knott, Liv By Surprise, Lola Lolita, Crystal Lowery, Joanna McClanahan, and Jennifer Rosen Heinz.