Humor

“Oprah’s Favorite Things 2017” – The Reality Edition  

Written by

Oprah's favorite things list make sense and is totally relatable... in now way at all. A $200 dog bone and $65 cookies? I'm all set.

By Janene Dutt of imightbefunny.com   

If you live on Planet Earth, you’ve most likely heard of “Oprah’s Favorite Things,” the list of gift suggestions she shares each holiday season.  This is the 20th year of the notorious list and according to Oprah, “This year, there is something for everyone!”

Everyone, Oprah?  Are you sure about that?  I took a look at some of these items and, no offense to Queen Oprah, but I beg to differ.

1. Coatology Down Scarf $85

Umm…pass.  If I want a scarf that looks like that, I’ll just wrap a Hefty lawn bag around my neck for free and call it a day.

2. L’OBJET Bath Salts $150

$150 for a bottle of bath salts?  For that price it better come with a person that will stand outside the bathroom door and block my children, husband, and dog from interrupting my luxurious bath.  And then feed everybody while I’m soaking. Now that might be worth it.

3. Emi Jay Women’s Smooshshirt $136

The description of this product on Amazon claims that this is “the softest product to ever touch your body.”   Clearly, Oprah has never tried on my Philips Academy sweatshirt from 1985.  Yes, I still have an article of clothing that I bought when I was 15 years old.  And I will tell you, when you’ve worn and washed something for 33 years, it really is the “softest product to ever touch your body.” So I’ll save the $136 and carry on, Oprah.

4. Gratitude Glass Jar $45

I actually love this idea.  The concept is that family members jot down things they are grateful for, put them in the jar and then review them at the end of the year.  What I don’t love is the $45 price tag for the jar itself.  I’ll tell you what I’m grateful for…the old mason jar I’ve got in my cupboard because now I have Item #4 for free.

5. Novelty Bird House, Prices Vary  *Hotel California Birdhouse $538

Seriously?  You would think the crazy thing is that there is a $538 birdhouse is on this list…but the really crazy thing is that this birdhouse is sold out online already!  I never realized how many spoiled rotten birds are flying around out there.

6. 23andMe DNA Test $69

I don’t know about you, but if a family member gave me a DNA test kit for Christmas, frankly, I’d be a little freaked out.  I mean, what is the end game here?  Are you trying to reveal a long-kept secret, like my dad is not actually my dad?  Perhaps you’re trying to prove we’re not related somehow?  Do you love me so much you want my DNA available for cloning in 50 years?  Honestly, I’m not comfortable with any of those scenarios so thanks but no thanks on the DNA test.  I choose to remain a mystery.

7. Maman Trio $65

Sixty-five dollars for twelve cookies??  Are they magic cookies, like with zero calories or something?  Or better yet, calorie burning cookies?  Because that’s pretty much the only way I’d pay over five bucks for a cookie.  Clearly, Oprah hasn’t been to Costco in a while.  Because they now sell “Toasted Walnut Chocolate Chunk Cookies” that are the size of small frisbees and are simply amazing.  I took a photo for proof…that’s a fig newton for scale.  At a buck a cookie, I’m sticking with these babies.

8.  A Great Thought A Day Notepads $15

Finally, something on the list for a reasonable price.  But I don’t know…feels like too much pressure.  A great thought a day?  I don’t feel like I have enough “great” thoughts to fill that pad.  My great thoughts would probably consist of “bananas” and “waffles” because really, I’d just end up using it for my grocery list.  And isn’t that what free real estate agent pads are for?

9. GoBone $199

A $200 dog bone?  The company claims “the GoBone automatically keeps a pup rolling around, chasing, and being chased, all at the touch of an app.”  I actually have a free app for that.  It’s called, “Kids, go play with the dog!”  No batteries required.

Sorry, Oprah, but this list is a bust for me.  My favorite gift I’ve gotten recently was from my sister, who sent me a t-shirt for no special occasion, that says, “It’s Too Peopley Outside.”

I was like, “Yes!”  Now this is an awesome gift.  It IS too peopley outside.  Which is why I’ll be doing my holiday shopping from the comfort of my home, in my ultra soft sweatshirt from 1985, while munching on my giant Costco cookies.

This post was originally published on imightbefunny.com. 

**************

About the Author

Janene hails from New York and Southern California but currently resides on a small island in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and three children. Her hobbies are baking, reading, gardening and extreme couponing. She suffers from Pediculophobia, the fear of lice. When she’s not blogging, you can find her combing through her family’s hair. Check out more of her adventures on www.imightbefunny.com or  on Facebook.