I am pleased to announce that I am leaving behind my passions of teaching and writing so that I can pursue the career for which I have a true gift: personal stylist.

Discovering my gift was a bigger shock to me than to anyone. My approach to fashion and style has often been a utilitarian one. Sensible shoes, a cardigan sweater, and a little cherry Chapstick are my mainstays.

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But it looks like I have unwittingly created the biggest hair trend: The Octopus Bun.

I had no idea back in 1997 that I was starting something so profound. Honestly, I thought I was making a MISTAKE every time I couldn’t fit my hair neatly into a ponytail or bun. My mother typically referred to my hairstyle as “fit for a ragamuffin.” Here I am, though, trendsetter extraordinaire.

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I would explain how you could achieve this look, but I think if you’re following directions, you’re not doing it right.

Now that I’m a hot stylist, I’m bringing back all my greatest hits from college. I hereby deem oversized bibbed overalls, XL Dave Matthews Band concert t-shirts, and hemp necklaces to be chic.

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You’re welcome.

Seriously, though. Aren’t we kind of grasping when we call this a “trend”?

If this is the current version of Hard Candy nail polish or crimped hair, I think we’ve really given up on the whole idea of being a “civilized society.”  When people like me are deemed stylish for wearing octopus buns every day, your culture is on a one-way street to Losertown.

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Please, real stylists of the world. Get back to work.