By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
If you’re looking to don one of the thousands of sexist—er, I mean, sexy—costumes marketed to women this Halloween and wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds to really rock it, look no further.
Social media sites are buzzing with praise for the Rock Your Body Diet, the latest version of the popular Paleo (also known as the Stone Age or Caveman) Diet.
The minimalist eating plan, developed by a totally qualified random Instagram user, promises “major results with minor thinking.” Essentially, followers of the Rock Your Body plan limit their dietary intake to “all natural, unaltered food sources, often conveniently located in their very own backyards.”
“Rocks,” Rock Your Body creator Linda Mass told us. “My plan is simple. If you want to lose weight, feel great, and literally rock your body, just eat rocks.”
“If you think about it, it’s kind of crazy that no one has come up with it before now,” said Rock Your Body proponent and Instagram influencer Janet Witt. “A rock is like a huge vitamin. I mean, it’s literally a bunch of minerals, all condensed into one convenient package. It takes up room in your stomach so you don’t get hungry later. And it’s, like, zero calories.”
Even celebrities are hopping on the Rock Your Body Bandwagon, erm, Bandbulldozer? Whatever.
The point is that a lot of famous people—including Gwenyth Paltrow, who’s known for her super healthy, practical, and rational eating habits—are suddenly swallowing rocks in the name of health and sexiness. So you probably should too.
Check out some of these personal testimonials posted on the diet plan’s official website, rockyourbody.com:
“I used to crave sweets and carbs, like, all the time. But after a month on the Rock Your Body plan, I’ve gone from eating bowls of Fruity Pebbles at midnight to eating actual pebbles. And I feel fantastic!” –Ashley M., stay-at-home mom to twin toddlers and three cats
“I used to stress about what to order at restaurants. Now I just toss some gravel into my purse before heading out the door, and I don’t have to worry about it!” –Jessica K., Nutritional Science Major at the University of Bullshit
“Eating rocks has literally changed my life. Like, really. I tried swallowing an entire geode and inadvertently died, and now I no longer feel trapped in a body I don’t love.” –Rachel S., from beyond the grave
“I’m saving so much money, I never have to worry about food preparation, and my sex life has never been better, thanks to my daily breakfast of bedrock.” –Sarah G., lonely housewife and extreme couponer
“I can honestly say it tastes better than the gluten-free diet I tried last year.” –Everyone, everywhere
“People are really paying attention to me on Instagram now. I mean, some of them are just calling me ‘a psychotic dumb bitch,’ but who gives a fuck? I’ve finally gone viral. That PTO ho Janet and her Bento Box Beauties page can suck it.” –Becky B., on behalf of Sharon-haters everywhere
“You should do it. It’s good, very very good. Trust me, I know this. Many, many people have told me this.” –Donald Trump, President of the United States
Of course, before starting any diet plan, you should check with a licensed, medical-degree-holding doctor.
Or, you know, don’t. What do those dumbass motherfuckers know anyway?
Editor’s Note: In case it isn’t obvious, and I can’t believe there are people out there for whom we actually need to say this, but this post is satire. DON’T EAT ROCKS. For the love of Christ.
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars