By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
In the wake of COVID-19, there’s been a lot of debate regarding the potential health benefits of face masks, but a recent collaborative study from multiple trusted health organizations is about to lay all the doubters’ arguments to rest.
Last week, the CDC, the WHO, the NIH, the HHS, and your mom released a report suggesting that wearing a face mask to bed has health benefits that extend even beyond simply slowing the spread of COVID-19.
“We tracked the responses of thousands of volunteers, all of whom wore some sort of facial covering to bed every night for two weeks,” Dr. Connie Spiratze, a renowned scientist at the CDC, stated in a press conference Tuesday night. “The results were astounding. Every single participant reported some form of improvement to their individual health.”
Spiratze said that the specific type of mask (cloth, surgical, N95, or the iconic Nixon) had no bearing on the positive results.
“It appears that as long as the nose and mouth are covered in some capacity, people will reap some sort of benefit, whether it be to their physical, mental, emotional, or even sexual health.”
For example, Spiratze said that married female participants saw a 69% decrease in their partner’s annoying requests for late night blow jobs.
“You can’t go down on someone if your face is covered,” she stated. “Women who wore masks to bed found that their sleep was far less interrupted by horny husbands. Furthermore, those who wore masks to bed saw marked improvement in their relationships. We found that the percentage of couples seeking marital counseling due to one partner’s obnoxious snoring decreased by 42% after the snorer started wearing a mask to bed.”
Spiratze also said that several participants cited the mask’s flatulence-filtering abilities as a major health perk.
“One of our study’s volunteers specifically stated, ‘Taco Tuesday nights are no longer a literal nightmare. My husband can fart up a fucking storm, and I don’t smell a thing!’”
Spiratze also noted that wearing a mask to bed led to notable improvements in participants’ overall sleep quality.
“Several individuals mentioned that they’d been experiencing broken and disrupted sleep due to elevated stress levels associated with COVID-19,” she said. “But we found a significant improvement in sleep patterns when participants soaked their masks in chloroform before getting into bed at night.”
Masks even proved to be a valuable weight loss tool for many of the study’s subjects, as it prevented mindless late-night snacking.
“Face masks were 100% effective in creating a barrier between participants’ mouths and Little Debbie snacks,” Spiratze stated.
And, perhaps even most encouraging, Spiratze said that wearing a mask to bed may spare people from unwillingly eating spiders.
“Many of us have heard the completely fact-based and horrifying statistic that we all swallow, like, eight spiders a year in our sleep,” she stated. “But if you’re wearing a mask in bed, those revolting arachnomotherfuckers have no way of crawling down your throat. That’s just science.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.