New Senate Bill Offers Male Enhancement Surgeries in Exchange for Weapons

By Bridget of Be Well

In a surprising new development in the gun control debate, politicians may have finally come up with a solution that appeals to members of both parties.

Next week, the Senate will vote on a bill that will allow owners to trade in certain weapons for a voucher eligible for penile enlargement surgery at the practice of their choice.

The bill came about after several hours spent debating possible gun reform measures on the floor. Most senators initially balked at the idea of a gun buyback program. However, when a group of female senators brought up the penile enlargement suggestion, they were met with silent consideration. This was considered a vast improvement over the continual droning of anti-reform platitudes, so they allowed it to evolve into an actual plan.

One of the bill’s co-sponsors, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters that she was surprised by the outcome but hopeful at the thought of any kind of reform. “Honestly, we were initially just being sarcastic…but at this point, we’ll take it.”

Polling suggests this bill just might garner the bipartisan support needed for such a drastic action to take place. Gun owners being interviewed initially scorned the idea of a buyback program, claiming that it would be a violation of their rights. Even offers of monetary exchanges far surpassing the value of the weapons were met with indignation.

However, the suggestion of the surgery caused those being interviewed to pause, then begin to ask more questions about the procedure. When they learned the program was not yet officially underway, they asked to sign their names to a blank piece of paper so they could be notified once it was legal.

The list has since expanded, leading to the establishment of a preliminary website. Those who signed the paper were enthusiastically reminded of Australia’s success following a buyback program and similar measure, but signees seemed disinterested in studies and statistics.

Researchers believe that this program could easily curtail future violence, stating evidence that suggests zealous gun owners may be clinging to their weapons to compensate for perceived shortcomings elsewhere.

“They feel they may be lacking something, and choose to focus on an external symbol of power to hide their insecurities,” said Dr. Hugh Cox. “All you need to do is talk to one of these guys to know their desperation stems from a deeper problem.”

The bill currently only allows for the exchange of “big boy guns” (the preferred terminology since “assault rifles” and “semi-automatic weapons” have been deemed inaccurate), but senators are optimistic that a successful program could lead to an extension of eligible weapons.

Although the NRA claims to staunchly oppose this new bill, several key members have already enlisted in the program.


About the Author

In addition to Sammiches and Psych Meds, my work has appeared on PopSugar and I’m a mother and educator who enjoys hiding behind smiles and sarcasm. Follow me at Be Well.