By Michelle Riddell
Scientists at the World Institute for Modern Prognostication (WIMP) have unearthed new evidence that may change the way we look at doomsday predictions once and for all. In a recent study, researchers noted marked similarities between each of the seven signs of the apocalypse and the symptoms of the dreaded phenomenon known as the “man cold.”
Experts from around the globe agree, “There are far too many similarities to be attributed to simple coincidences; they seem to be describing the same thing.” Textual analyses of writing samples from 1200 BC appear to match algorithm readouts and also support the WIMP scientists’ findings: Men have been big babies since the dawn of time.
This discovery will have an immeasurable impact on doomsday preppers, mail-order warehouse stores, and the Biblical textbook industry alike. What remains unclear is how seemingly reasonable people confused a common cold with the end of the world. To understand a misinterpretation of this magnitude and why it persisted for centuries, we must examine each seal of the apocalypse individually.
1. The White Horse: An enormous pile of craftily-strewn, used tissues could, in certain lighting, take on an equine appearance and is likely the genesis of the whole “four horsemen of the apocalypse” part of the prophecy. No man in the history of civilization has taken it upon himself to dispose of balled-up hankies—especially his own—while afflicted with a man cold, so, sooner or later, the mound is going to look like a horse.
2. The Red Horse: This is one of the more representational symbols, possibly referring to the tender, red nose of a man after it has been wiped raw with above-mentioned tissues. Naturally, redness will present after the nose has been swiped an ungodly amount of times, or, in some cases, when the man is a particularly demonstrative sufferer, the tissue is crammed into one of his nostrils and left dangling for effect.
3. The Black Horse: Historians have long understood this horse to represent famine and its ensuing hardship. For every man attempting to “starve his fever,” there is a black horse galloping–no, make that trampling–upon his very soul. Anyone in the vicinity of such a pathetic victim will certainly suffer as well. Get ready for hunger-induced weakness (reaching for the remote is akin to rowing the Potomac in his condition), mood swings brought on by low blood sugar, and a running play-by-play of how miserable he is.
4. The Pale Horse: Also known as Death. Our noble, brave guy is losing the battle. Fighting, famine, and fatigue have worn him down to a shadow of his former self. Withering on the couch, he is too frail to work the DVR and has been subjected to PBS Kids all morning. He has had no nourishment to speak of, except for the ice chips, beef broth, chicken soup, tomato soup (with grilled cheese on the side), popsicles, and milkshake that his wife made/brought/reheated/made a special trip to the store for.
5. Souls of Martyrs: The most commonly misinterpreted seal. When the Book of Revelation mentions “souls of martyrs,” it’s not referring to the nearly-departed dude with the tissue stuffed up his nose, wrapped in his kid’s sleeping bag, napping to Family Feud; it’s talking about the nearly-departed’s WIFE. She’s the one suffering, martyring up a storm, sainting like a BOSS.
6. The Great Earthquake: This seal is about destruction and the aftermath of natural disasters. And, yes, it could easily be misconstrued and taken literally (“…and every mountain and island were moved out of their places, hide your children from the face of him that sitteth on the throne…cosmic disturbances and volcanic debris to pollute the atmosphere”), but what the Book of Revelation is actually describing is your living room at the tail end of a man cold.
7. Seven Angels/ Seven Trumpets: The consensus among experts is that this seal signifies an extended period of calm ushered in by the occasional trumpet blast. He’s back, ladies. Back to being able to walk to the garbage, back to sleeping in the bedroom, back to changing his own channel on the TV, and back to work. Can we get an Amen?
There you have it–mystery solved. What appeared to be The End of Days was nothing more than a man cold. On behalf of world history experts and know-it-all Y2K weirdos everywhere, scientists at the WIMP would like to extend an apology for the eons of confusion.
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About the Author
Born and raised in Detroit, Michelle Riddell now lives with her family in rural mid-Michigan where she happily braves her husband’s penchant for DIY projects and her daughter’s passion for wildlife-as-indoor-pets. Her publishing credits include Sammiches and Psych Meds, Mamalode, The Good Mother Project, and Club Mid. In addition to being a reviewing editor at Mothers Always Write, Michelle is a substitute teacher at her daughter’s elementary school where she tries very hard not to embarrass her. Find her on Twitter @MLRiddell.