By Rebecca Lang of BeckyRebecca.com
Salt Lake City, UT — The 11th annual National Whining and Tantrum Throwing Competition kicked off to immense fanfare this morning as children ages 6 months to 16 years paraded into the arena for the opening of the games. The competition will last five days, but spectators are expected to only tolerate six minutes of competition before needing to visit the cash bar, take a deep breath, and count to ten.
Head bartender Ellie Salinas said they are ready for the anticipated crowd of almost 10,000 people. “We are stocked with five varietals of boxed white wine and lots of scotch for the morning competitions, all served in coffee mugs, of course. For the afternoon, we anticipate margaritas, light beers, and shots will be the biggest sellers.”
Controversy surrounded the start of this year’s games as one of the top competitors was disqualified from competition for illegal use of a controlled media. Little Jimmy Eyers (4 years old), who won gold last year in Strongest Clinger and won silver in Loudest Foot Stomp, admitted to watching three hours of Caillou every day leading up to the competition. The oversight committee banned Caillou watching in 2009 for its performance-enhancing effects.
With Eyers out of the mix, all eyes are on Summer Channing (3 years old) and Browan Beckers (2 years old) to lead the medal count.
Channing came out strong today in the heats for Best Pout and Highest Pitched Scream. Beckers, a crowd favorite for his devilish smile and curly hair, broke the record for Longest Hurl of the Closest Object and upset last year’s gold medalist Timmy Goldberg (5 years old) for Longest Breath Hold.
In the Tween and Teen categories, Kayley Turring (14 years old) is the one to beat, having swept Best Eye Roll, Best Mumbling Under Her Breath, and Most Creative Comeback Via Text Message for the last two years. “I’ve trained hard for all of those events again, but my goal is to also medal in Longest Silent Treatment,” Turring told us before the kick off of today’s games.
It’s guaranteed to be an exciting and annoying week as the children put their years of practice to the test in a hair pulling, head-to-head competition.
This year, the games will close with the crowd’s favorite events: Longest Tantrum, Most Creative Refusal of Whatever They Just Asked For, and Best Insult That Actually Hurts Their Parents’ Feelings a Little.
The winners from this week’s competition will move on to the international games, which take place in Sao Paulo, Brazil, this August. It’s a highly anticipated event, as it serves to symbolically unify the world, reminding adults that, regardless of our differences, all children are whiners.
About the Author
Rebecca Lang is a contributing writer for San Francisco Moms Blog and has been published on a variety of parenting sites. She writes about stay-at-home moms, preschool and the playground, but swears she can talk about non-mom stuff in real life. Follow her at BeckyRebecca.com and Twitter.