National State of Emergency Declared as Justin Bieber Quits Instagram

National State of Emergency Declared as Justin Bieber Quits Instagram

By Kristina Johnson of

President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office on Tuesday in an attempt to calm the country’s rising panic over Justin Bieber’s departure from Instagram.

“My administration is focusing all available resources on bringing Justin’s Insta back. We have the FBI, CIA, DoD, and MTV working around the clock to hash this out.”

The Instagram drama began when Bieber posted a slew of pictures with presumed new girlfriend Sophia Richie. The move enraged fans of ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez, who began spamming Bieber’s posts with the snake emoji — universally understood to be the meanest and most offensive emoji of all time. Bieber deleted his account in the face of the backlash, touching off a global wave of hysteria.

“The ability to see how Justin is styling his hair on any given day, or which model he’s hanging out with, or where he’s currently taking a naked vacation…that is the glue that holds our society together. If he doesn’t come back to Instagram, life as we know it is over,” said one fan who wanted to remain anonymous because he is a 47-year-old male.

That sentiment was echoed by another Belieber, who recommended that offices and schools across the country be closed “until we know the extent of this crisis.”

Obama said he is considering those stops as well as whether to declare martial law, but will hold off as long as Bieber’s Twitter and Facebook profiles remain active.

Many are calling this the worst crisis this President, or any President, has ever faced.

Obama appears to be showing the strain, becoming visibly emotional during Monday’s address. “Justin, if you’re watching… Is it too late now to say sorry?” His voice cracked as he continued, “Because the United States is missing more than just your body.”


About the Author

Kristina Johnson is a new mom, writer, and TV producer living in New York City. She loves her daughter deeply but can admit that she wouldn’t mind if babies came with an off-switch. Her interests include books, Netflix, and coming up with snarky responses to people who ask when she’s having baby #2. She blogs regularly at