It’s the truth.

From the moment she sprouted her sweet lil drumstick legs she began kicking me in the cervix. In the early months it was merely an uncomfortable surprise. In the later months it would hurt so badly it would bend me over at the (area that used to resemble my) waist. On to delivery!

The moment our daughter came into the world I didn’t ask if she was healthy. I didn’t ask who she looked like. The very first words she ever heard me say were, “Is her head proportional to her body?” This kid had/has a really big head.

Let’s fast forward to the toddler days when she frequently attempted a maneuver I lovingly call Return to Sender. Add to all this the many years of midnight drop kicks to my woo-hoo during cosleeping struggles. This kid has had it out for my biz since day one.

Her distaste for my lady bits came to a head when my daughter was around two-and-a-half. She and I were showering together as always because she has to do everything I do. I got C all cleaned up and she was contently using her dirty washrag to scrub the shower walls as I took my turn. I got my hair all lathered up and leaned back into the water with my eyes closed, savoring an ever so brief moment of relaxation.

That’s when I heard her sweet little voice say,“I’m gonna wash your peep with this rock.” The rock referenced here was my pumice stone that she had found in the corner of the shower. And my peep? It was, well, my peep.

I snapped open my panic-stricken eyes to find my beautiful daughter smiling at me contently with a palm full of certain pain in her hand. THE HORROR!!! THE HORROR!!!

I am forever grateful that she gave me a warning. Can you even imagine? I could have come out of that shower looking like I was storing ground beef between my legs. The term meat curtain would have taken on a whole new meaning. Not even a high dollar vajayjay-plasty could have gotten that carnage back to sound working order.

If you are considering practicing the art of reproduction, let me make a few recommendations based on my brief years of experience:

• Don’t procreate with a large-headed man! Just because your love tunnel will stretch that far doesn’t mean that you want it to.
• When your kid hits the toddler phase, consider investing in some version of a lady cup, unless you like the feeling of a head butt to the ha-ha.
• Always — I mean always — store your pumice stone in a safe place. Because rocks and girly bits just don’t mix.

I swear, kids have it out for our lady blossoms.