By Jill Morgenstern of Do Try This At Home

Lisa Sherman of Billingsly, Illinois is suing for the return of her perky breasts after being disappointed by her son Timothy’s less-than-stellar cognitive abilities.

Sherman’s child did not seem to gain the 7.5 IQ points that breastfeeding has been credited with increasing.

“Timothy’s teachers had to have me work with him at home on his letters and numbers. He didn’t even recognize his own name until after he was four years old. How am I supposed to get him into an Ivy League school now?” wondered Sherman.

Breastfeeding has also been shown to cause a reduction in infant mortality. And although it’s clear that Timothy did not suffer this danger, other benefits have been a big disappointment. Sherman wants this rectified.

Pictures of a high-school-age Sherman at the beach depict her in cute bikinis. “I demand to be able to fit into all my old outfits again!” said Sherman.

“I would never have breastfed if I had known that Timothy would turn out this dumb. I want back into my bikinis and my old cheerleading uniforms.”

Although they are no longer together, Timothy’s father Joseph Strickland supports Sherman in her decision to litigate.

“I didn’t expect him to turn out to be Einstein or anything,” Strickland stated. “But I didn’t expect him to be as dumb as a stump. Breastfeeding was supposed to help.”

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About the Author

Jill Morgenstern is a wife, mother, and teacher. She has four kids ages 27 to three, 13 years of teaching experience, and a Master’s Degree in Teaching Reading, yet reserves the right to be wrong about everything. She writes about food, family, and the ridiculous at Do Try This at Home. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.