MockMom

Mother Drops Son Off at College, Prepares for Cold, Lonely Death

 

BLOUNTSVILLE, INDIANA–47-year-old Phyllis Borden, stay-at-home mother of one, dropped her son off at college last Friday and immediately returned home to prepare for her cold, lonely death, report relatives.

“It’s like she has nothing to live for,” said niece Sarah Langsford.

“That’s because she doesn’t,” added nephew Michael Langsford.

According to Borden’s husband, Frank, his wife has devoted her entire life to raising their son Geoffrey. “She’s never had a job. Or a hobby. Or any friends, for that matter–besides Geoffrey, of course,” Frank Borden told reporters. “And now that Geoffrey’s no longer around for Phyllis to baby and force feed Goulash, it’s like she’s lost,” he continued.

“Aunt Phyllis has always been a little… odd,” confessed niece Sarah Langsford. “I mean, whenever we had family gatherings–the ones she would actually come to–she’d just follow Geoff around and… I don’t know… try to wipe his mouth and ask if he had to use the potty and stuff. And he was, like, 15 at this point. But now? She’s just. It’s like she’s not even here at all anymore.”

“And she smells,” added nephew Michael Langsford. “Like sour milk and despair.”

“Being a mother was Phyllis’s sole ambition in life,” said Frank Borden. “And now that that’s done, there’s nothing left for her. Her purpose in life is complete.”

At press time, Frank Borden was reportedly spotted making arrangements at the nearby funeral home and negotiating a BOGO deal on some caskets while Phyllis rocked in the corner of the couple’s Florida room and stared absentmindedly at a photo album of Geoffrey.

“She doesn’t even have enough energy to pet the stray cats that have somehow gotten through the screened awning and gathered around her near-lifeless, rotting body,” a neighbor told reporters. “It’s really sad.”

*****

About the Author

Lola Lolita is the founder and editor-in-chief of Sammiches and Psych Meds. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.