Know what’s good about having severe morning sickness (also known as hyperemesis of pregnancy)?
NOTHING. Nothing’s good about it. Yes, the baby part is good, but it’s hard to think of that when your head’s married to your toilet bowl and the mere smell of your favorite foods makes you want to punch a baby seal.
Aside from sleeping it off, about the only thing that makes it better is complaining about it, which no pregnant woman with severe morning sickness should ever apologize for — EVER. If you feel like a fried piece of poop on a stick, ladies, it is your God-given right to bitch and moan about it till the cows come home, and it is everyone else’s God-given duty to listen to it.
I truly appreciate the advice people give for trying to cope with the horror of it all, especially when it first settles in and you’re desperate for some secret relief potion that’s somehow miraculously escaped Google’s reach, but after a while, Pregnant Morning Sickness Victim has tried it all to no avail, and the only thing that can make it better is the recognition from family and friends that her state of affairs really fucking sucks.
As a sufferer of severe morning sickness myself, I present you with things you should NOT say to a woman suffering through it (after her initial complaints and/or pleas for a remedy).
Place saltines at your bedside and eat when nausea hits. Saltines are about as effective at curing severe morning sickness as Tylenol is at acting as an analgesic following major surgery to the abdominal cavity. They might work for mild nausea, but the mere thought of their cardboard taste and even worse cardboard smell sends me into fits of unstoppable dry heaving.
Have you tried ginger? Ginger ale, ginger tea, ginger snaps, ginger candy — yes, we’ve tried ginger. We’ve stopped just short of rubbing ginger spice into our eyeballs and nostrils. It’s now taking up space in the pantry, right next to the saltines.
Take some vitamin B6. Should we do that before or after washing our saltines down with ginger ale?
Don’t eat three big meals. Instead, eat several small meals throughout the day. I would kill to be able to ingest any meal, big or small, without retching it up along with a kidney.
The baby you get at the end is well worth it. True, the baby will be well worth it, but would you say to a prisoner of war suffering through unspeakable torture that their legacy as a hero and a patriot is well worth getting their eyeballs twisted out by an electric screwdriver? I should hope not.
I’m a man and I think… Just stop right there, man. If you don’t have a uterus or a space where one once resided, you don’t get to talk.
I can’t imagine how terrible that is; I never had morning sickness. Fuck you very much.
What should you say, then? I’m not going to speak for every pregnant woman in misery, but these will at least work for the really sarcastic and cynical ones like me.
That sucks and I’m sorry. It does suck. Hard. Thank you so much for just saying that out loud with me.
I hope you feel better soon. Me too. Thanks for hearing me.
I can’t wait until you feel better, because downing an entire box of Franzia solo ain’t easy. I hear that. I’ll be back on the Alcohol Train before you know it.
Sorry about your severe sperm infection. A friend from work actually told colleagues that this was the problem when they asked about my ailment. BEST. RESPONSE. EVER.
Of course, the best way to interact with a pregnant woman suffering from a severe bout of morning sickness is to agree with everything she says and stay the hell out of her way. Your face can thank me later.