Mommy Will Grow a Penis and 7 Other Life Lessons
Humor Parenting

Mommy Will Grow a Penis and 7 Other Life Lessons

Of all the teachers I’ve had, my four year-old son is by far my favorite.  The kid’s a natural, and my hunch is that your children are naturals too. Children’s innate ability to educate their parents is uncanny and undoubtedly hilarious.

Citing some great quotes from the master himself, here’s a crash course from my son, lovingly referred to as “Big C.”

Lesson #1: “Mommy, what happened?!?”

This question was stated with shock while I was stepping out of the shower.  He was pointing at my lady parts.  Yes, I know he was alarmed because my parts look different from his. Regardless, this is NOT something a woman wants to hear.  Ever.

Lesson learned: do not waste your time wondering when to stop being naked in front of your children.  They will make it abundantly clear.  

Lesson #2: “Be sad!”

After being told he couldn’t have a second snack after bath and that he would only get two bedtime stories instead of three, Big C was having a rough night.  Any sort of condolences or attempts to lighten the mood were swiftly thwarted.

Lesson learned: who doesn’t love a good pity party?

Lesson #3: “This baby is giving me a hard time!”

Big C was trying to finish his dinner when his 18-month old brother reached over, grabbed a handful of tater tots, and shoved them in his mouth, putting chipmunks to shame.  With a sigh, Big C rested his head upon his hand and declared his woes.

Lesson learned: it’s a hard knock life.

Lesson #4: “My powers are gone.”

After falling off his bike and skinning his knee, Big C was devastated (and overly tired).  He was certain his humanity had been weakened as as result.

Lesson learned: it is quite possible I lost my own super powers somewhere in my youth.  

Lesson #5: “Mommy!  Look at my eyes.  You are not listening to me.  You need a timeout!”

After repeatedly asking me questions to which I was half-responding, nodding absently while making dinner, Big C decided it was time to school me.

Lesson learned: practice what you preach teach.

Laugh #6“When I grow up, I’ll be able to drink pop…and wine!”

Big C felt it important to announce this at a recent family party.  Let’s hope he declines to share it with his teachers.

Lesson learned: Mommy may or may not have a drinking problem.

Lesson #7: “I need to watch out for Captain Hook.  He might hook my penis!”

At his four-year well check, Big C’s pediatrician was reminding him to never let anyone look at or touch his penis except for his parents and her.  Big C heartily agreed and thought it imperative he mention the perils of being near Captain Hook as well.

Lesson learned: Captain Hook is a creepy bastard.

Lesson #8: “Mommy, when you get bigger, you will grow a penis too!”

My husband and I often comment with great enthusiasm to Big C about how big he’s growing.  Evidently, he felt the need to shower me with encouragement as well.

Lesson learned: human anatomy is a tricky concept for a small child to comprehend.  That, and I may or may not have a surprise coming in my future.

What have your children taught you?

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