By Jennifer Scharf
FADE IN:
INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – DAY
A beautiful fall morning. MINIVAN MUM pours herself a cup of freshly brewed coffee and sits down at the kitchen island with her laptop. The kids are off at school, the house is quiet and all is right in the world. She logs onto Facebook and gasps in horror when she discovers the ruthless and backstabbing blogger MOMMY LOVES GIN ripped off her meme — let the IM wars begin.
MINIVAN MUM: Hey, I noticed that my meme is up on your page with my watermark cropped off. It’s probably an oversight, but I would appreciate it if you could credit my work or even better, share it from the original link. Thanks!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Are you accusing me of stealing?
MINIVAN MUM: Well, yeah, you kind of stole my meme.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Copyright doesn’t protect names, titles, slogans or short phrases. Get your labia out of a twist. I didn’t steal anything!
MINIVAN MUM: Wow! You blatantly stole my meme, bitch. Take it down. IMMEDIATELY!!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Are you threatening me?
MINIVAN MUM: I reported you to Facebook. What you’re doing is WRONG!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Good luck with that! Do you think Fuckerberg gives a shit about your stupid meme?
MINIVAN MUM: You’re out of control. The Internet has rules, you know!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Sorry to hear you play by them. Get a life.
MINIVAN MUM: Don’t make me cut a bitch.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Try me. I specialize in cunt punting.
MINIVAN MUM: That’s classy. You’re disgusting. I’m blocking you.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Bye, Felicia, and your pathetic 204 followers.
MINIVAN MUM: That’s because I don’t buy them!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I don’t either. My fans just love me. I guess you wouldn’t know how that feels. Too bad, so sad.
MINIVAN MUM: You’re a fraud.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: And you’re like an infant, whiny and full of shit!
MINIVAN MUM: I. CAN’T. EVEN.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Do us all a favor and go back to your “secret” groups and play by the tree house “rules.” YAWN.
MINIVAN MUM: Yeah, okay, keep stealing content and posting about your “spirit animal” Tina Fey every five seconds; that’s really inspiring. Fucking basic asshole.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I think you mean basic bitch.
MINIVAN MUM: What is wrong with you? You need help.
MINIVAN MUM: Hello! Can you hear me? YOU need HELP!!!!!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Yeah, I hear you. Whatevs. I’m in the middle of a crisis. AMBER BLUE SKYZ just ripped off my meme! She didn’t crop the watermark; she actually took the time to recreate it with her logo. What a WHORE!! And it looks like she’s going VIRAL with it. She has no idea who she just fucked with!!!
MINIVAN MUM: Be careful! That one has a twat of steel.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: She has 500k followers. What’s up with that?!?
MINIVAN MUM: Total SCAM ARTIST. She has her hands in all kinds of shit. She just added me to some vegan diet pill group. Fucking freak! Do you need me to call in the troops and go Momnando on her?
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Nah, I got this! That bitch is cray-cray! Did you see her profile pic?!
MINIVAN MUM: Yeah, there’s something really wrong with her. She actually scares me. She looks like a meth head!
MINIVAN MUM: OMG, STFU, STFU!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: What, WHAT!!??
MINIVAN MUM: Taye Diggs just followed me on Twitter!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Welcome to the club, B-iatch!!
MINIVAN MUM: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I don’t do the “S” word.
MINIVAN MUM: Sorry about that. I just got excited…
MINIVAN MUM: I’m going to pimp your meme on Twitter! What if Taye Fucking Diggs retweets it!! HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. In your face, AMBER BLUE SKYZ. That is the stupidest name, BTW.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: You ROCK!
MINIVAN MUM: No, YOU ROCK!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: It’s noon. Too early to drink?
MINIVAN MUM: HELL NO! It’s Bloody Mary o’clock over here on the West Coast!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Cheers, bitch!
MINIVAN MUM: Cheers! OMG, I just had the best idea!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: What? WHAT!!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MINIVAN MUM: You should patent the meme!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I’m listening..
MINIVAN MUM: Patent your saying. You know, like Paris Hilton with “That’s Hot.” Make t-shirts and shit and sell them on Pinterest or wherever the fuck you sell that crap!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Holy FUCKING GENIUS!!!!
MINIVAN MUM: I know!! Christmas is coming; get on that STAT! Potholders, magnets, aprons, mugs, pens, STOCKING FUCKING STUFFERS!! BOOM!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Hell, yeah! Beer Koozies and key chains!
MINIVAN MUM: Take over the world with your swag!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: BRILLIANT!
MINIVAN MUM: Send me some free shit when you become famous!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: TOTES!
MINIVAN MUM: Oh, hey, speaking of Beer Koozies, who is the dad blogger that just went viral with his TV remote meme??
MOMMY LOVES GIN: DADDY DOES DIAPERS?
MINIVAN MUM: Yeah, who is he?!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I don’t know; he just exploded on the scene out of nowhere! Ewwww, bad visual.
MINIVAN MUM: NONINTIMIDATING MOMMY keeps posting his memes. He must be sleeping with the editor!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: No? Really?!! I thought she was married and pregnant?
MINIVAN MUM: Exactly.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Good for him! Tell me who to spread them for to get some shares! LOL
MINIVAN MUM: HA!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: That’s the booze talking! Feeling a little insane in the MEME-brane. Get it?
MINIVAN MUM: That only works if you pronounce meme the wrong way. It’s meam, like ME not mem like hem.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Tomato, fucking tomahto.
MINIVAN MUM: So what is DADDY DOES DIAPERS going to keep MEme-ing about? Wine and yoga pants!? BWHAHA.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Camel toe and leaky tits!
MINIVAN MUM: HA! What a weirdo. He’s not even hot.
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Eh, he’s not bad. I’d hit it.
MINIVAN MUM: Okay, keep drinking! LOL
MINIVAN MUM: Oh shit, I have to run to barre class! Order those T-shirts TODAY!!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Barre class? I really hope your are referring to mixology..
MINIVAN MUM: I wish. Exercise class from hell. Don’t forget bottle openers and tote bags!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: ON. IT. I’m inviting my fans to like your page. Get your numbers up!
MINIVAN MUM: SWEET!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: I’ll add you to the secret meme group, too!
MINIVAN MUM: There’s a secret meme group?!
MOMMY LOVES GIN: Yeah, don’t tell anybody about it!
MINIVAN MUM: Vegas, Baby. I’m a fucking VAULT. xo
MOMMY LOVES GIN: XO
FADE OUT.
THE END
*****
About the Author
Jennifer Scharf is a humor writer with essays published in McSweeney’s, Mamalode, Scary Mommy, The Mid, BLUNTmoms, TODAY Parents and more. Follow her on Twitter @momcoms and on Facebook.