By Mia Carella of (this) mom with a blog
“These are not just baby carriers,” said Kelly Taylor, president of the Elite Babywearing Cult. “They are a way of life.”
Elite Babywearing Cult (EBC) is an underground society of thousands of women and three men who own Elite baby carriers. Elite baby carriers are highly valuable and always in demand amongst members of EBC. The most precious styles are made from the finest textiles in the world and sprinkled with the dust of rare gems said to have magical powers. Babies worn in Elite carriers are believed to have genius IQs, potty train themselves, and always eat their dinner without complaint. It is no wonder members go crazy trying to score them.
Membership in this prestigious group is taken very seriously. “It is an honor to be part of EBC. I love being a member,” stated Donna Martin, EBC member of three years. “Currently, I own 11 Elite baby carriers ranging in value from $350 to $1.2 million. I don’t have any babies yet, but when I do I’ll be ready to carry them in style! Sure, I took out four mortgages on my house and several other personal loans, as well as work three jobs to fund them, but who wouldn’t?”
It is a fact that members continue to grow their stash of Elite carriers during their time with the EBC community. The number of carriers owned by a member is required to be somewhere in the range of 5-10 times the number of babies needing to be worn; however, many members far exceed this ratio. It is also understood that members must remain brand loyal at all times or risk losing membership privileges. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened to a member named Andrea (whose last name has been withheld for privacy reasons).
Andrea, who was a relatively new member of the Elite Babywearing Cult, made a life-changing decision when she decided to purchase a generic baby carrier about two weeks ago. “I…I was just hoping to try something a little different, you know? [I wanted to] have a little variety with my baby carriers,” Andrea expressed. “I love my Elite, but thought I could love a generic, too.”
Andrea was wrong, but it was too late. Her membership to EBC was revoked and she has been blocked from their Facebook group moving forward. President Taylor said in a statement, “I feel we have all been betrayed by Andrea. I can’t even look at her right now. Generic? Really? She obviously can’t be trusted.” With a disgusted smirk, she added, “I bet she will even reveal our secret handshake. Not cool.”
Taylor added that she is hopeful that this breach of unwritten EBC group rules will not happen again.
Andrea declined to provide further comment, as she was standing in the return line at Generic Baby Carriers R’ Us customer service, wearing a hat and dark glasses.
*****
About the Author
Mia Carella is a stay-at-home mom who lives with her husband, their two children, and their dog. She likes reading, writing and spending time with her family. She dislikes cooking, cleaning and adulting in general, but absolutely loves being a mom. Her work has appeared on HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Parent Co and more. Find more from her on her website,thismomwithablog.com, and on Twitter and Facebook.