By Lola Lolita

Greenville mom, Eve Obvio, always knew that her husband’s decision to leave his hatchet haphazardly laying on the shed floor, even though she asked him 4.7 trillion times to please put it away when he was done chopping wood (not that kind of wood; like, literal wood for the fireplace) so the kids wouldn’t get ahold of it, would lead to disaster, but she never expected that disaster to be the actual severance of her 8-year-old son’s hand after he and his siblings decided to engage in a “lightsaber” fight with it.

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According to Obvio, who was busily picking up her family’s dirty socks and underwear and placing them in the hamper situated a mere 4 inches away at the time of the incident, she heard a blood-curdling scream come from the direction of the wood shed and knew something was amiss.

When she finally arrived at the scene of the accident, she noticed her son’s arm shooting blood out of the area where his hand once was and rushed him inside the house to tend to his wound.

“I did what any sane parent would do. I pulled out my smart phone, snapped a pic, and quickly posted it to my Facebook parent group with the caption, ‘My son appears to have cut his hand off with a hatchet. What should I do now?'” reports Obvio.

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Obvio credits her quick thinking to the other members of her support group, stating that if it weren’t for their constant posts containing pictures of their children’s rashes, ingrown toenails, heads full of lice, snake bites, and one woman’s plea for help identifying her husband’s STD, she never would have known what to do.

“It’s like … these people saved my life. I mean, if not for their example, I’m not sure I would have had the wherewithal to ask 3,467 strangers if I should seek medical attention. I just … I shudder to think about what I would have done. Probably sob in the corner as my son bled to death or his limb turned gangrenous — whichever came first.”

Obvio’s post, which was “wowed” 3,154 times and “loved” twice, elicited a number of helpful tips:

Have you tried wrapping it in organic cotton bandages?

I have an oil for that. PM me.

Just slap some Neosporin on it and tell him to man up.

Whatever you do, don’t let anyone give him a Tetanus shot. Big Pharma thrives on incidences such as this to push their pseudo-science agenda.

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Of the 2,982 comments on Obvio’s post, only one suggested she rush him to the emergency room:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HIS HAND HAS BEEN CHOPPED OFF. LITERALLY OFF HIS BODY. GET HIM TO THE ER IMMEDIATELY. JESUS CHRIST.

Obvio admits she was hesitant to follow the commenter’s advice, stating, “The woman’s tone was pretty off-putting to me. I mean, couldn’t she at least try to have some respect for my feelings?” In the end, however, Obvio decided to heed it, mostly because she “was out of organic cotton and Neosporin” and “worried the essential oil might take too long to arrive in the mail.”

When asked about the episode, Obvio’s husband stated, “How was I supposed to know they would use that hatchet as a weapon? She should have been watching them more closely anyway. What else does she have to do?”

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About the Author

Lola Lolita is the founder and editor-in-chief of Sammiches and Psych Meds. Follow along on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.