By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama

“I’m still not even sure how I got lost,” said Maggie Higgens, five hours after her entrance into an unfamiliar town’s Target. “Or how all the same stuff can be arranged so differently.”

Higgens is speaking out as a warning to other moms who may inadvertently venture into another town’s Target.

“I mean, they say it’s the same stuff. But this one was TWO stories. I had to hook my cart up in its own escalator thing,” said Higgens as she began to cry. “I was just looking for baby wipes. It all happened so fast.”

As it turns out, parents getting lost alone in unfamiliar Targets is an epidemic that has swept over the nation.

A source, who has chosen to remain nameless, claims that many parents who decide to go to a Target they’ve never visited before simply vanish without a trace.

“Only about half of their bodies are even found,” said our source, who, we should probably note, lives in his mom’s basement and plays a lot of Halo.

But to Higgens, the problem was very real. “We all take our local Targets for granted. Why can’t they all just keep the essentials close to the check stand? It’s like it’s designed for me to get lost and buy more stuff.

“And don’t get me wrong, after five hours I bought A LOT of stuff.”

We asked some local parents what they think about people getting lost while shopping alone in different Target layouts:

“Dying alone in a Target? I mean, there are worse ways to go.” – Jessica H.

“That depends, is it one of the Targets that sell wine?” – Alexa D.

“Oh, YES. This is why I was gone for three hours alone at Target last week. Lost. Completely and utterly lost.” – Jo M.

[looking up from phone] “What?” – Justin W.

This report follows findings from a few weeks ago that Kids Are Assholes At Every Age. But surely, these two things are completely unrelated.

*****

About the Author

Joanna McClanahan is an editor at MockMom, as well as a Staff Writer and Social Media Manager at Scary Mommy. She also makes jokes and memes as Ramblin’ Mama. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for more hilarity.