Originally Published by Michelle Grewe at Crumpets and Bollocks

Today is just a day about the period. Period. There were more references to a woman’s cycle made today than I’m sharing in this post, but I think it’s important we take the useful information and apply it to our lives.

First, I think it’s important to understand the power behind the period. Huffpost Parents today shared a link to an article about these people naming their baby Krimson Tyde. They named their baby after Alabama’s football team. Of course, I was confused at first because when I hear Crimson Tide, I think of my period because that’s what Alicia Silverstone called it in the movie Clueless.

The question I think we SHOULD all be asking is why did Alabama name their football team after the menstrual cycle? And why do they have an elephant coming out of the A? If you really think about it, some colleges are the tigers, rawrrr, but Alabama has the most dangerous, ferocious beast out there as their mascot. A tiger just cannot bring that level of pain and bleeding… Is there a Kotex Football Scholarship?

So I think it’s safe to agree that nothing will wreak more havoc than the Crimson Tide. And the only thing more painful than the Crimson Tide itself is sticking an elephant trunk through the A hole.

So then a male friend shared a picture that stated that he carries a gun for the same reason he keeps a fire extinguisher. I’m like, “Why aren’t you carrying a tampon?” I do. That’s more important than a gun. See, I carry a tampon even when I know I’m not due for a while, just in case my cycle goes off. But if you think about it, if you are definitely worried about the potential attacks, tampons fit right into the gunshot wound and can save your life. It would make more sense for a man to carry a tampon for self preservation than to carry a gun.

Other uses for tampons:

• firestarters
• picked apart for earplugs
• nosebleeds
• great ammo for an improvised air cannon
• toilet paper (you know, to absorb the pee when the bathroom stall is out of TP)
• car antennae decoration for the guy who can’t park
• removing finger nail polish (with nail polish remover of course, and better than paper towels or toilet paper)
• cleaning your shot gun (fits right through)
• detailing your car

I mean, tampons are more useful than the Swiss army knife. We should all be carrying one.

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About Michelle Grewe

Michelle Grewe is a Mom, Air Force Veteran, Monster Hit man, 20 Questions Master, Human Jungle Gym, and a terrible driver. She paints, blogs at Crumpets and Bollocks and The Write Moms, plays piano badly, and dabbles in t-shirt design and fontography. She doesn’t fold underwear, and she eats loads of gluten. She has also been published in 2 anthologies: Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness and Clash of the Couples. She has been featured on websites such as Popsugar Moms, Mamalode, Blunt Moms, and BlogHer.