MockMom

Metal Detector in Capitol Building to Be Replaced With Thoughts and Prayers

By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect

Security procedures at the U.S. Capitol building are changing.

Currently, all visitors are screened by a magnetometer before entering the Capitol Visitor’s Center, and their belongings are screened by an x-ray device. Starting this week, these security measures will be removed and replaced with thoughts and prayers, which most members of Congress agree is good enough for the American people.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio explained, “Now, you can bring in liquids. You can bring in aerosol containers. You can bring in really pointy objects like letter openers or knitting needles; you can bring knives, old-fashioned straight razors, box cutters, ninja stars, or katanas.

“We don’t want to deprive anyone of their personal freedoms during their visit to the Capitol building, because you never know when you might need to knit, shave, or practice martial arts while observing the inner workings of democracy. Hell, you can even bring in a rocket launcher.

“But we want to make plain that if some psychopath comes in here with an AR-15 and is thinking about shooting people, he’s gonna get blasted with all the thoughts and prayers we have in our arsenal. We’re fine with carrying a high-powered assault rifle for personal protection and small-dick enhancement, but the second somebody tries to hurt innocent people, we’re gonna think, and we’re gonna pray about it.”

When confronted with concerns about the new security procedures, Rubio said, “God’s word is all the ammunition we need.” He reiterated that Americans chose “a limited government that exists to protect their rights, not to grant them,” and that despite having one of the highest rates of death from gun violence in the developed world, the U.S. is “the single greatest society in all of human history.”

According to Rubio, Republican members of Congress are looking forward to bringing a fuckton of unnecessary weapons to work, just for shits and giggles. “I’m not saying we’re gonna shoot up the Rotunda,” he snickered, “but we might shoot up the Rotunda.”

When pressed for further comment, he simply yelled, “Freedom! God and stuff!” and ducked behind a partition, where the NRA’s board of directors were waiting to be fellated in exchange for campaign contributions, treats, and head pats.

*****

About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.