By Joanna McClanahan of Ramblin’ Mama
This week, Sparkie Baby Official on Instagram uploaded a picture of men wearing pastel lace shorts in an assortment of colors with the caption “#LaceyShorts for men are here. Would you wear these gentlemen? Ladies would you like to see your boyfriend or husband rock one of these?”
What in the fresh hell? Although, judging by their tattoos, it appears that modeling these shorts is just one in a series of bad life decisions these men have made.
To be clear, I couldn’t track down the seller of these man mesh monstrosities. So it’s not clear if this is just Photoshop gone horribly, horribly wrong. But assuming these doilie dukes do exist somewhere, I have some serious questions:
Are the white socks and sneakers mandatory accessories? How about that belt? I’m assuming shirts are off limits.
Whatchu gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside them trunks? Seriously, is that white, Speedo-looking undercarriage sewn in?
If not, are we to assume going commando in these is straight-up illegal? Because a happy trail is one thing, but I don’t need to see anybody’s happy forest swaying about.
Are these made by the same people who made the RompHim? Because those are some other moose knuckles that can’t be unseen.
Do these men seriously expect to have sex ever again? Because the women I know would be like, “Hard pass, thanks,” and the gay men I know would be like, “Did you recycle your Grandma’s curtains to make those?”
What occasion is this even remotely appropriate to wear to? No matter where you show up in this, you will probably end up on a registry of some sort.
Can I get the workout routine of the guy in the seafoam? That’s a lot of yansh back there. Are those mostly squats, or…?
Do they flatten and double as place settings? Follow up: How about a pants version that you can also use as a tablecloth?
How much ventilation is worth sacrificing your dignity for?
I kid, fellas. Wear whatever you want. Maybe I’m just a little jealous because dude lace shorts look much more comfortable than ours, not to mention THEY HAVE POCKETS.
On second thought, I’ll take half a dozen pairs, please.